Tag: children

What Is Too Much When It Comes To Parenting?

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Parenting has become such a big thing. I am constantly trying to schedule activities for my baby daily so that she’s stimulated and doesn’t become bored. At the same time, I keep wondering if this was the case 30 years ago. Did parents back then constantly entertain us? Or were we left to our own devices? Sometimes, I wonder if we’re doing too much.

I keep trying to figure out if all of this makes sense. I met someone recently that has flash cards with pictures and words for their 7 month old. It seemed a little overdone to me but considering my baby has recently started getting bored with the same old stuff, I wonder now if it’s something that we need to be doing to keep our children entertained. Did our parents do this?

Do we need to let our children kind of figure out how to entertain themselves? Or should we be planning every minute of their day? Is it bad if I let my child sit in her crib and babble to herself? I know I need time to just be on my own so would she need the same thing? Or should I be doing something with her as soon as she wakes up? What are the lines and boundaries? What is too little and what is too much?

I remember when I was a kid, I did play a lot with my siblings or by myself. I didn’t constantly have someone trying to entertain me. We used our imagination and created things. Now, I don’t know if this was the case when I was just a baby. I want my kid to learn how to use her imagination and be able to play on her own. I want her to have patience and be independent.

In a time where so much is done with the focus on our kids, what exactly is the best thing to do for them?

A Letter To My Child

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To my baby,

I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Your father and I had to go through a lot before you came but you’re here now. Our perfect little baby.

I finally know what it means to watch my heart walking around outside of my body. The first week or so, one of us had to stay awake while you slept because we wanted to make sure you were okay.  I didn’t know then what I know now,  that you are tougher than you look. But I still always worry when you’re not smiling at me. I still wake up at least 3 times a night to make sure you’re doing fine.

It’s been tough.  We are learning each other and teaching each other at the same time. There are days I’m completely frustrated and exhausted but then, you do something new that I’ve never seen before and forget everything and am in awe again.

I love to fact that you do smile at me now. It feels like you know who I am, even though I’m not sure if you do. I can’t wait to share more with you. I want to laugh with you, dance with you, live with you. I want to teach you everything I’ve learned so you don’t make the same mistakes. I want you to see the world in the best light possible. I want you to always be happy.

I can’t believe I’m writing this letter to you. I hope you get to read it some day. For now, I’ll settle for you being the love of my life. Thank you for coming to us.

Boundaries

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Ahhh. The family life. Have many of you have heard that phrase “when you marry the person, you marry the family”? In the Indian culture, this is so true. There is no separation for the couple from the family. The couple becomes an extension of the family instead.

Now, this isn’t such a bad thing. I really like having a big family so having another group of relatives to hang out with is great.

But what happens when the family gets demanding on your time? What happens when they expect you to follow their rules of when, where, and what you should be doing? What happens when they call the shots without even considering what you need or are available for?

I’m pretty lucky in the sense that both sets of parents for me are really understanding about us having our own lives and knowing that we will make time for them as much as we can.

But I definitely am aware that, in this culture, this is rare. There are a lot of parents who expect a lot more than that from their children and their spouse. I don’t know if it’s worse if you are the son-in-law or the daughter-in-law. I think it probably depends on the situation and the relationship the child has with their parents to start with.

Let’s add one more complication. The expectation that we grow up with to be the perfect daughter-/son-in-law.

I think I was supposed to be able to cook everything, clean to perfection, have children, raise them, look perfect, have multiple talents, all while holding down a full time job after achieving a degree or two. I totally failed. I think I’ve accomplished maybe 2 or 3 of that long list. Maybe.

It weighs on me that I don’t fit the idea of perfection when it comes to being the daughter-in-law. But I know that I try my best and I keep going. And luckily, I don’t hear any problems about what I can or cannot do.

Unfortunately, some people do.

The solution to this is to set boundaries. It’s not easy by any means. It’s the only thing though that will keep you from going crazy. And if you have the support of your spouse, it will at least make it that much easier to be able to do this. Boundaries are meant to draw a line with regards to what is acceptable and what isn’t. If your parents or in-laws drop in whenever they want and expect you to drop everything to entertain them, then maybe you need to ask them about calling a day before they plan on coming over to check your schedule.

It won’t be easy. And honestly, it might be a battle on its own.

But, hopefully, in the end, it’s worth it.

The Good Old Days

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Last night, I got to see some of my friends that I grew up. I always love it when I get to see them because there is some sort of bond with them, even if we haven’t gone through a lot of life together. I, especially, was a little bit older than most of them so I went through college and life at a different time and place. 

When I have to describe the family I grew up with, these are the people who I see. I have family in the US but unfortunately, they are all living on the East Coast so I don’t get to see them often at all. Luckily, my parents had a very strong social group so I had my own family growing up here with me. 

It gets me thinking though. A lot of our parents moved here to this country with no family. They only had the friends that either came with them or even a bit after them. Those friends became their family. Otherwise, it’s not like our parents had their parents around that they could go running to when things got tough. A lot of them came at the age of 24-25, maybe even younger than that. Can you imagine moving to a foreign country with just someone you had married maybe less than a year before? Can you imagine moving and the technology isn’t what it is today? You had no connection to your former life, at least not on a regular basis. 

Our parents had a type of courage that I can’t even imagine. I know there are days when I just want my mom and I call her or text her or just go home and be around my childhood familiarity and comforts. Our parents didn’t have that option. It was really an all or nothing situation. And most of them survived and did well. 

I’m glad to know though that in this time of growing that they did have their friends that moved over here with them. Some of these friendships survived the test of time, some of them didn’t. But these were the people that became their family. They were the ones we called when we had good news or when we had bad news. They were the ones that would come running when we needed them. They were the ones who we would fight with and yet, somehow still remain friends. 

I am glad that those of us born to this group of people have been able to grow up together and truly remain friends as well. These are the people that are my family because they’ve known me in a way that most people will never know me. Even through the times we had all grown apart and now through the times that we get to spend together, it’s been an amazing experience. 

This post is dedicated to the children of the junior group. Thank you for being there.