Imposter syndrome.

A constant battle I face.

Webster defines imposter syndrome as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success”.

I feel imposter syndrome in all aspects of my life: as an accountant, as a dancer, as a writer, as an entrepreneur. Even though I have so much evidence to the contrary, any situation I go into, I feel like I haven’t done enough.

When I looking for jobs, even if there was one task that I wasn’t 100% sure about, I wouldn’t apply for it. I would be terrified that I would get the interview or even the job and then fail miserably. They would all know that I really knew nothing about accounting at all. It’s like the degree I worked hard to get and the years of experience means nothing. This is regardless of the fact that every boss I have ever worked for has been willing to teach me anything I ask. I have made mistakes but the majority of the time, I’m actually pretty good at what I do.

That brings me to dance. I’ve danced even longer than I’ve been an accountant. I’ve danced in big venues with professional dance teams. Yet, whenever we discuss experience or tryouts for something new, because I’m not trained in the standard ballet and jazz (I did take jazz as an adult for a couple of years but not throughout my life) or classical Indian (although I’ve also taken kathak as an adult), I feel like I’m not going to be good enough. There is constantly the fear that no matter how much experience I’ve had choreographing and performing, somehow I was just lucky enough to do it at all. I see these amazing dancers and always feel as though they are on a different level than me.

Writing. That’s been the most recent journey in my life. Yes, I’ve been writing this blog. Yes, I published a book. But there are people who have been doing this for years, are professionally trained, have worked for big companies or publishers, have best-selling novels. Was I good enough? Am I allowed to call myself a writer?

Imposter syndrome. It creeps up on you no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you have every right to be there. How do we get rid of this? How do we believe in ourselves enough that we stop feeling this way? What does it actually take to feel like you belong wherever you think you belong?

I have held onto most of my self-doubt for over 30 years. Maybe this next year will be the one where I start believing that I belong.