Tag: high school

Ghosting

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So this might seem like a less intense thing to write about after my last few posts.

Here is the definition if this is a new term for you:

“the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication”

It’s not the end of the world. It’s not as intense as this pandemic has been or any topic of mental health. There are plenty of things that are more serious that ghosting. So why am I writing about it?

It isn’t nothing. And while in the dating realm, it might be the new norm (which also seriously sucks), what happens when it affects your other relationships?

Let me explain my background on this. A few years ago, after over 10 years of what I would consider a close friendship, I had a friend who suddenly stopped responding to my texts and calls. It’s not that I haven’t lost friends before. I’ve had huge fights with friends. I’ve had friends where just distance and time and life comes in the way. But I’ve rarely had someone just disappear on me without an explanation especially after a strong friendship was developed.

I grew up in the era of landlines and typewriters. It makes me sound super old but computers only made their start into our education some time when I was in high school. AOL had just come on the scene. We were cool if we had pagers (I didn’t. My mom handed me a phone card.) By the time, I was in college, I had a computer, ethernet was a thing, and a cell phone with limited minutes and limited texts.

The point of my history there is that if we wanted to stop talking to someone, it wasn’t hard because we didn’t have a lot of contact to start with. But most of the time, if two people were going to stop talking, we at least broke up or fought or something. I had an idea of why a relationship had ended or changed at the very least.

In this world of constant communication and availability, somehow we have stopped actually communicating. When I was ghosted, the worst part was that if that friend had just chosen to talk to me about it, we could have probably resolved whatever the problem was (to be honest, I still don’t know). I’m old enough to know I’m human and I make mistakes. I’m also old enough to know that there is a chance I did something that might have hurt her. But I will never actually know now.

Eventually, I kept contacting her until she finally told me the basic reason of why she stopped talking to me. I had to accept it for what it was. Whatever her reason was, she did not want to be my friend anymore. It hurt but it wasn’t my choice at that point.

The effect of it though has lasted. When I don’t have a friend respond now, especially one that usually responds right away, my mind starts going down the rabbit hole of what I did wrong and if I was going to lose them as well. It damaged my belief in myself, that I was a good friend. The doubts become overwhelming. I have to remind myself that I try my best with everyone around me. I have to remind myself that I have self-worth as well.

So in case you think that ghosting might be something you would want to do, just remember that one small honest conversation might be something that could save your relationship or at least give good closure to the other person when parting. Instead of just disappearing, give both people in the relationship a chance to work it out, whatever path it may take. It sounds hard but it’s my honest belief that it’ll show you that you can handle difficult situations as well as create good communication skills for future relationships. Besides, it’s just the kinder thing to do.

When We Change, Do Our Friendships Change?

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Facebook keeps us connected with a lot of people we have met in our lives. I still have friends on Facebook from high school and college. And, honestly, it’s interesting to see where we end up.

Somehow, over the last few years, I’ve become completely separated from most of my friends from college. I had already separated from the friends I made at the first college I attended but now I’m not really in touch with the friends I had made at my second college as well.

When I look over the last 10 years and see the amount of friendships that have just faded, I wonder if it’s me. Is it that I’ve changed or that I haven’t kept in touch? Or is it that these friendships were never really solid in the first place and were more a matter of circumstance? Have I stayed in touch more with those people who I share a mutual interest with or was there something different that kept us connected?

We want to keep those around us that helps us be better people. And when we don’t feel good about ourselves around some, we choose to give ourselves some space. But when we look at the past, it is sad to realize that there are so many people we have walked away from or that have walked away from us.

Could we have done something differently? Could I have done something differently? Would I have wanted to do something differently? Would it have to take a sacrifice of self in order to maintain these friendships? Or just working through difficult times with certain people?

How much of ourselves do we have to give in order to stay friends with people who we have outgrown or who have outgrown us? Is it worth it? When I see so many people I know still socializing and celebrating each other’s life events (thanks completely to Facebook), I definitely do wonder if I missed out.

I know I need to focus on the people who are currently in my life and continue to work on those relationships. I don’t want to take them for granted and there is a reason that they are in my life now. I don’t want to dwell on what could have, should have, would have been.

But every now and then, I do wonder.

Fired for Being Who He Was

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Today, a lot of alumni from my high school are gathering to support one of the teachers at the high school that was fired. Let me explain the background. 

I went to an all-girls high school. It was Catholic and run by the nuns that lived on the property. It had the usual: uniforms, masses, classes on religion. How does that make a Hindu girl feel, especially when I was in the minority? Actually, I never felt out of place. This school was pretty tolerant of those that were not Catholic. We were never made to feel different. We had to attend everything, of course, but I do remember one specific idea that was presented in one of my religion classes. It was that every religion has the same 5 basic principles so we aren’t all that different from each other. I remember also being asked to stand up in front of the whole school and say something about friendship in Hindi during Thanksgiving Mass. I was proud of my culture and I was allowed to share it. I actually wore a sari to my prom which when I went to prom was something that most people had not seen before. 

A few weeks ago, I saw an article that a former classmate had posted on Facebook. It was about a teacher from his job at a high school getting fired because he got married to his partner of 10 years. Turns out it was my school. There was already a movement in place to get him reinstated that was orchestrated by former students of his. I signed the petition and expressed my surprise at the intolerance of my high school, especially when I had remembered it to be otherwise. 

This is not a teacher I had learned under when I was in school. He was present but our paths never really crossed. From what it sounds like when I read his other students’ stories that he was a greatly influential and well-respected teacher. It’s been amazing to watch people come together to support this cause. It’s remarkable to know that a man who just did his job by supporting his students is now being supported by his students. 

It’s embarrassing to know that my high school could show this type of intolerance. I’m glad that someone took a stand. Their petition has reached a lot of people and I believe they have a march tonight at the high school to show their support.

It’s about time that those who aren’t tolerant come into the 21st century. 

If you would like to show your support, attached is a link to the petition. 

http://www.change.org/petitions/st-lucy-s-priory-high-school-give-ken-bencomo-his-job-back?share_id=JzjxDwyzpB&utm_campaign=signature_receipt&utm_medium=email&utm_source=share_petition