Tag: internal

The Struggle Against External Validation

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I saw a quote today that said “Excessive approval seeking is rooted in an unstable sense of self.”

It’s a very interesting quote that made me stop and think. How many of us constantly need external validation? How many of us rely on it to make us feel better about ourselves?

What is the alternative?

We’ve grown up believing external validation is the only way to feel good about ourselves. If it’s not recognized by the people around us, what does that mean for our self-esteem?

When I was growing up, I taught every child in our group how to dance. The majority of performances that happened at family events were the dances that I choreographed and taught. Dancing as much as I did resulted in me trying out and making it on a couple of different professional Bollywood dance troupes. One day, there was a wedding in this family friends’ circle. It definitely hurt my feelings when the idea of hiring an outside group to perform was suggested. Didn’t these people know that my troupe was normally the one hired to perform? How did they not see that the talent resided within their own circle?

It was hard. Did that mean I wasn’t as good as I thought I was? It didn’t seem to matter that I had performed at some of the biggest venues in LA and with Grammy and Oscar Award winners. They wanted to hire someone else to perform at the wedding! What did it all mean? Maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought and had just gotten lucky all of those years.

Eventually, I had to learn to accept that I was good at what I did and if I was going to solely rely on outside approval, it was going to be a disappointing situation. Having that much self-doubt really sucked as well. The only way to make this work was to trust that I knew myself and my talent. I had to stop listening to what others were saying and listen to what I was saying instead.

More recently, social media makes this extremely difficult. The number of likes and shares has become a huge basis for validation. What if no one saw that we did something or achieved something? Does it mean we had no effect? Does it mean we aren’t talented or skilled or good-looking?

What if we all started looking internally for approval instead? I actively had to decide that I don’t want to live like this, constantly seeking approval. I want to feel good about myself and approve of myself. No one else gets a say in who I am or what I do. It’s a battle to not seek external validation but it’s one I’m willing to fight even when it’s hard.

What’s something that you find yourself seeking approval for? Could you try to approve of yourself and find a sense of stability there?

Why We Should Brag About Our Achievements

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Recently, I’ve been wanting recognition for all of the things I do. But I don’t want to advertise that I do them. I just want people to quietly recognize that I’m good at a lot of things. Why? Because as a South Asian Indian woman (and possible just as a woman in general), I’ve been taught that I don’t brag about my achievements. If it’s worth being noticed, people will notice you. However, in a world as chaotic as ours, is that even possible if we don’t advocate for ourselves?

I was out with some girlfriends yesterday for happy hour and talking about how I was feeling. One of them clearly stated that I need to put myself out there and tell them about the cool things I’ve been participating in. My obvious reaction was “Brag about myself?! I couldn’t do that!”

But why not? Another friend of ours told us that her sister wrote this LinkedIn Post that spoke to something very similar.

We see so many people absolutely do this. They post positive things about what’s happening in their lives without abandon. So why are there some of us that will only accept quiet recognition? Why can’t we also shout about our achievements?

When I think about doing this, I feel shame that I’m going to be bragging about what I do, what I’ve accomplished. Like I’m doing something wrong in speaking up for myself or like I’m showing off. It goes all the training I’ve had. I’m not supposed to talk about myself. I’m supposed to quietly do my work and be happy internally. I’m not supposed to want any external validation or share any of my accomplishments. If I do so, I’m a loud, braggy woman. I’m overconfident and talking about myself too much.

So where does that get us? It creates internal resentment that no one notices that I achieve so much. It creates a battle within me of wanting to share but not come off as boastful. It makes me feel invisible. How are people supposed to see me if I keep hiding?

The irony is that my friends yesterday clearly said that they would be proud of the things I shared because they support my endeavors. So I think I’m going to start sharing more.

Because…..why the hell not?

Feeling Validated

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A month ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt great about myself. Today, I look in the mirror and am having trouble processing the same image that I was looking at before.

What changed? I’m wearing the same clothes, doing the same things, and basically haven’t really changed.

I see myself differently. Nothing has changed except I may be more tired now that school has started. Our schedule is in transition which doesn’t allow for consistency yet. Our schedule is about to change again next week so I can imagine that things are going to feel out of whack for at least another few weeks to a month.

I know I’m not alone in questioning how I feel about myself. I’m sure that a lot of women are also trying to validate themselves. Self-acceptance isn’t an easy thing. Just when you think you have it down, there is a change and all of a sudden, you are questioning everything about yourself again.

What do we expect to see when we look in the mirror? We are definitely conditioned for perfection. I also thought as I got older, it would get easier to accept myself but it hasn’t. I have high expectations for myself and the older I get, I can’t seem to accept that I won’t always meet those expectations.

It’s funny. You’d think that it’s because after 2 kids, I’ve gained weight or have more gray hair or just look more tired. But if I look at a picture of myself 10 years ago, I wasn’t in as good shape as I am now and I was always tired then as well.

So is it possible that it’s only internal? Is it that our inner self is what needs to be validated? I know I personally have been struggling with the adjustment between being a stay-at-home mom and an ambitious woman.  Maybe it was easier to accept myself because I had other things that made me feel good about myself going on.

It’s an ongoing struggle. I don’t have answers as of now but I hope that someday I do.

 

The Internal Struggle of Loving Yourself

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Have you ever struggled with yourself? Maybe constantly battling with feeling valid or just a whole lot less invisible?

This internal battle is no joke. Loving yourself isn’t easy.

It’s easy to be numb and go through your day every day and not realize that something isn’t feeling right. It’s not easy to realize that you are numb and how can you find a way to feel again? Even better, how can you feel good about yourself again?

I don’t like who I have become. I’m doing my best as a mother, wife, business owner, and dancer. But I’m not doing my best as me. That’s probably because I’m so focused on doing well on everything else, I haven’t found the time for me to know myself anymore.

Life changes so fast that if you don’t actively keep up with yourself, you are easy to lose. All of a sudden, I don’t know who I am anymore. I know my labels. But who am I? The person I can see at the moment, I don’t like very much.

I know that I have to look inwards and figure out what makes me happy internally. I have to figure out how to move myself past this phase. If I’m internally happy, I can be a better mother, wife, business owner, and dancer.

It’s work and it’s tiring on top of everything else. But honestly, I don’t want to be miserable. I want to love myself. Because it’ll make it that much easier to accept the love that everyone else wants to share with me.