Tag: Joy

Floating

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How many of you are currently living inside of your heads? No matter what’s actually happening, you are just floating through your day to day. You get through each day, functioning, doing your daily tasks but not really living in the present.

Has anyone else started worrying or thinking more about every day things that you wouldn’t have considered before? (“Started” might be the wrong word since covid has been going on for over a year now.) The slightest things I wouldn’t have noticed before stress me out now. Allergies, pain anywhere, a change in anything.

I recently looked up the timeline of the flu of 1918 to find out when things would feel a little bit more normal again. The article I read said that by spring of 1920, it was like it never happened. Overall, it doesn’t seem too bad, 2- 2.5 years of dealing with masks and quarantining. But living through it is harder than sounds. Every step we take is filled with worry and stress. The “what ifs”, the “is this the right choice”, the “should we” haunt us every day and every day after that.

We are living with loneliness even with a house full of people, the personal and professional sacrifices that some of us have made in order to deal with schooling and full time caretaking, and the lack of freedom that comes with thinking about what is necessary for the good of the community. The things that would have alleviated these feelings in the past are not options in the current state of society. The events and celebrations that we would have looked forward to have all but disappeared. We float.

It’s emotional and mentally exhausting. It’s surviving and dealing with small pieces of joy that are incredibly difficult to see. It’s feeling like things will never be okay again. It’s putting one foot in front of the other, while feeding your family, making sure they are safe and mentally okay, and giving them what they need to at least survive, if not thrive. And, in the end, what will each of us be left with?

I’m ready to get my feet back on the ground and move forward. I don’t want to float anymore.

A Letter To My Child

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To my baby,

I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Your father and I had to go through a lot before you came but you’re here now. Our perfect little baby.

I finally know what it means to watch my heart walking around outside of my body. The first week or so, one of us had to stay awake while you slept because we wanted to make sure you were okay.  I didn’t know then what I know now,  that you are tougher than you look. But I still always worry when you’re not smiling at me. I still wake up at least 3 times a night to make sure you’re doing fine.

It’s been tough.  We are learning each other and teaching each other at the same time. There are days I’m completely frustrated and exhausted but then, you do something new that I’ve never seen before and forget everything and am in awe again.

I love to fact that you do smile at me now. It feels like you know who I am, even though I’m not sure if you do. I can’t wait to share more with you. I want to laugh with you, dance with you, live with you. I want to teach you everything I’ve learned so you don’t make the same mistakes. I want you to see the world in the best light possible. I want you to always be happy.

I can’t believe I’m writing this letter to you. I hope you get to read it some day. For now, I’ll settle for you being the love of my life. Thank you for coming to us.

Be Present In The Present

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I turned 38 this past week. It’s not a huge milestone but 37 was a little bit rough on me so I’m glad to have this chance for things to move forward. I’m hoping that I can do a completely reset so that I have a chance to enjoy everything I have and not keeping worrying about the things that aren’t in my control.

It’s so hard not to look into the future and just be in the present. Anxiety, stress, panic attacks. These are all things that affect the way we live and contribute to our overall health and well-being. As soon as I take care of one task, my mind starts worrying about the next thing that needs to be done. There’s never a moment off, a moment to relax.

It’s my fault. I put this on myself even when I don’t need to. How do people manage stress in their daily lives? How do you not let the every day affect you in a negative way? How do you find a way to trust that everything will always work out?

There are people in this world that seem to always be able to go with the flow. They are able to quiet their minds and breathe and be here. They seem to find beauty in everything around us. They seem to be able to not stress or worry about the things that are currently happening elsewhere.

I think a part of the problem is that we are always looking at our phones and trying to see what is going on everywhere else. I think that we have started to do it so automatically that we don’t even notice that we are doing it anymore. It might be time to put my screen down and force myself to be in the moment. It might be time to not have to rely on my screen for entertainment. It might be time to be able to look up and really see what is happening in the world around us.

I think it takes an active effort to stop looking towards the future and really try to find the things here and now that bring us joy. Find the things that really make us feel good here. Find the things that inspire you to bring out the best you.