Tag: love

The Struggle Against External Validation

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I saw a quote today that said “Excessive approval seeking is rooted in an unstable sense of self.”

It’s a very interesting quote that made me stop and think. How many of us constantly need external validation? How many of us rely on it to make us feel better about ourselves?

What is the alternative?

We’ve grown up believing external validation is the only way to feel good about ourselves. If it’s not recognized by the people around us, what does that mean for our self-esteem?

When I was growing up, I taught every child in our group how to dance. The majority of performances that happened at family events were the dances that I choreographed and taught. Dancing as much as I did resulted in me trying out and making it on a couple of different professional Bollywood dance troupes. One day, there was a wedding in this family friends’ circle. It definitely hurt my feelings when the idea of hiring an outside group to perform was suggested. Didn’t these people know that my troupe was normally the one hired to perform? How did they not see that the talent resided within their own circle?

It was hard. Did that mean I wasn’t as good as I thought I was? It didn’t seem to matter that I had performed at some of the biggest venues in LA and with Grammy and Oscar Award winners. They wanted to hire someone else to perform at the wedding! What did it all mean? Maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought and had just gotten lucky all of those years.

Eventually, I had to learn to accept that I was good at what I did and if I was going to solely rely on outside approval, it was going to be a disappointing situation. Having that much self-doubt really sucked as well. The only way to make this work was to trust that I knew myself and my talent. I had to stop listening to what others were saying and listen to what I was saying instead.

More recently, social media makes this extremely difficult. The number of likes and shares has become a huge basis for validation. What if no one saw that we did something or achieved something? Does it mean we had no effect? Does it mean we aren’t talented or skilled or good-looking?

What if we all started looking internally for approval instead? I actively had to decide that I don’t want to live like this, constantly seeking approval. I want to feel good about myself and approve of myself. No one else gets a say in who I am or what I do. It’s a battle to not seek external validation but it’s one I’m willing to fight even when it’s hard.

What’s something that you find yourself seeking approval for? Could you try to approve of yourself and find a sense of stability there?

The Importance of Vulnerability in Friendships

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How many of you are open with your friends? I mean, really open and honest.

I’ve been speaking about the trauma I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I wanted to present another aspect of this.

I realized about two weeks into heavily feeling like I was never going to be happy or okay again that I was going through this alone. It finally occurred to me that when I was going through my last big life change, I had a created a community that I could turn to in these cases. It occurred to me that I hadn’t even tried to tell them about everything going on in my life.

So I finally did. And I don’t mean just tell them. I mean, ugly crying on the phone while I explain how miserable I felt about myself and how it felt like I was never going to be okay again. I must have called and texted everyone in that group a million times in the last month and a half.

Then, I realized that everyone in my community didn’t live near me anymore. Which meant we were reliant on both sets of schedules to even be able to communicate. I decided that I need to expand the people I could be vulnerable with. But who? My original community were people who I’ve known for years and essentially grown up as adults with.

It was time to trust that some of the friends I made in the last few years were strong enough and accepting of my emotional madness. So I laid it all out there in a text to three of them. I told them I wasn’t okay and that I needed support. And they came through. I received calls and invites of just hanging out (which is so much easier to do if you live near each other). We meet up for tea or lunch. We randomly sit and just talk about life. They’re open with me and I, in turn, can be open with them.

It was a risk. I didn’t know if that would work out. For all I know, they might have decided that I was losing it and maybe it was worth just backing off a little bit. It was terrifying being that vulnerable about everything I’ve been through with people whom I’ve essentially known for less than 3 years.

How many of us are willing to take that risk? How many of us hang out with people we claim are our community but never really talk about anything important? How many of us hide what we are really feeling in the name of seeming to be put together?

Why? We all feel. We all have issues. Why can’t we be open with people whom we claim to trust?

I’ll tell you it’s been worth reconnecting with different parts of my community. Not only do I have the women I’ve been relying on for the past 20 years but I also have a few new groups that I can be open about and that show up when I’ve needed them. Even if it’s just to laugh and get away from myself for a minute.

Are you up for being vulnerable with your friends?

Feeling Less Than

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I wrote recently about my PTSD with my past relationship. I wanted to talk about something else it triggered it me that I’ve been having a hard time fighting. Unfortunately, there are a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming days but today, this is the topic.

Feeling less than. When the PTSD hit, it triggered how I felt in that time frame. I had always felt like I wasn’t good enough, how no matter how pretty I was, how thin I was, how many cool things I did, I would never be good enough. My self-worth had dwindled down to nothing. I would try to change who I was constantly to feel like my ex found value in me, that he found me worthy to love. It took me a few years of therapy and fighting back to really find myself and love myself for who I was.

In the last 15 years, it’s been okay. I have had ups and downs but I usually can come back to myself even through all the hard stuff. I haven’t really questioned that I’m good enough. I had made it a core belief.

But this time, this knocked me for a loop. It wiped my feet out from under me. And for the past few months, I have no idea who I am. When I look at myself, I don’t see myself at all. Everything I’ve ever done feels like it doesn’t matter.

I know I’m unconditionally loved. It’s one of the best parts of having kids. They love you no matter what you’re going through. I’m still doing all the things I have in the past so I can’t figure out the reason I’m still feeling like this other than the trigger was unresolved and the trauma is still hitting me constantly.

I’m battling to feel my self-worth again. Every day is a struggle. There are just as many bad days as good. I’m terrified daily that I’ll sink back down even when I’ve fought my way up. Every day, I’m pushing to feel okay. And a lot of times, I do succeed. The times I don’t are hard.

I’m writing about this, not to only share what I’ve been dealing with, but also to share it so if anyone else has these struggles, know that you aren’t alone. A lot of us fight these battles constantly even if we don’t show it. I’ve been turning to more therapy, more meditation (which is hard in itself), and my community. I’ve created groups where I can be vulnerable but I forget to turn to them when I really need to. But that discussion will be a separate post.

The question becomes how do we survive this other than fighting for ourselves daily? Will it ever get better? Who do we depend on when you are not strong enough to depend on yourself?

PTSD

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I haven’t written in a while. Usually, when things are going relatively well, I don’t feel the need. I’m sure there are things I can talk about but it doesn’t seem necessary.

But recently, something happened that triggered PTSD (this is my therapist’s assessment – not mine) regarding my former relationship. I haven’t recovered after that event. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. It’s like what I went through just destroyed everything I’ve believed about myself for the last 15 years.

Most of the people who know me right now only know me as someone’s mom, involved with the community, and trying to accomplish all sorts of new challenges. What they don’t know about me is that my past has had some intense moments. Moments that demolished me as a person and required me to rebuild myself from scratch. I made decisions that caused me to have to fight for myself and my survival.

For the most part, this past has been put away. I was able to figure out who I am and move forward in life. I haven’t dwelled on the past for much.

Until something was triggered. And now I can’t stop reacting like I’m in my 20s again. I can’t see myself as the woman I’ve become in my 40s. I’ve lost the confidence and self-esteem that I’ve been relying on my the last 15 years. It’s a shock. I didn’t expect to be triggered at this point in my life. I’ve built so much and have created a life I’m proud of.

How do you climb out of this pit? I’ve done this before but it’s been so long that all of the fighting I did back then, I don’t remember how to do. I feel helpless at the bottom and like my pain and emotions are a burden on those around me. I feel like the trauma is just going to sit with me for the rest of my life.

Which really sucks. I don’t want to feel traumatized. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see myself how I used to, someone who believed that she was smart, attractive, unique. I don’t see it right now. I can’t feel it right now.

What is the solution? I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be walking this path. I don’t know if something will come that will resolve the trauma or if I’ll just be able to move on at some point. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to love myself again.

All I can do is hope and try to take it day by day. I can trust in the support I receive from the people who’ve been there for me. Because the one person who is constantly lying to me is myself.

Light the Night

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Do you have childhood best friends? Like the type that you grew up with and is your  family even though you’re not actually related?

I grew up with a whole group of people like this thanks to our parents knowing each other since college and settling down in the same area.

One person, in particular, I had literally known since birth. His dad and my dad actually grew up in the same small town in India together so they had known each other their whole lives as well. He played the role of my brother in my wedding and I MC’d at his wedding. Needless to say, we had been through a lot of our ups and downs together.

One day, we found out he had lymphoma. He was in his 20s, just about to head into dental school. I remember that we had found out that he had felt something off in his lymph nodes and were waiting for the biopsy results. I remember coming out of the gym and getting a voicemail from my sister telling me the results were in. I remember calling her back and her telling me that it wasn’t good. I remember going home, changing, and heading straight to his house.

It was scary. It was something that we never thought about in our 20s.

He started chemo. It definitely took a toll. I wasn’t there for the every day but I do have one particular memory of him, I, and a third friend we had grown up with going to an Angels game together during this time. He was tired and he said he always had a metallic taste in his mouth. It honestly really sucked. But the mentality that we always had is that there was no other option and that he had to beat it.

And one day, he did. After that, he started organizing our family and friends together every year for a Light the Night walk. We are Team Unbreakable.

At Light The Night, it is our aim to bring light to the darkness of cancer through research and cures. Light The Night is a series of fundraising campaigns benefiting The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) funding of research to find blood cancer cures. We bring hope instead of despair by working to ensure access to treatments for all blood cancer patients. We bring communities together to celebrate those who are fighting the disease and to honor those we have lost.

This year will be our 11th year walking together. It’s so amazing how something that was so hard has become such an inspiration. We hope this year, you’ll join us and donate to our team as well. We want to do everything we can in order to raise money to defeat cancer.

I hope you can find a way to help us out with our goal.

What Is Love? Baby, Don’t Hurt Me, No More.

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What do you think marriage should look like?

I’m going to try my best to explain what I think it should look like. I believe that it should be a best friendship where there is love, respect, and trust with a lot of attraction mixed in. There should be understanding on an emotional level. There should be laughter and fun. There should be a belief that no matter what, you both are a team together.

So then why are there so many people out there making fun of their significant others? Why is joking about our marriage something that serves as way to bond with other people? Why is your spouse not held in the highest regard?

I understand that marriage isn’t always heaven. We show our worst to that person. Everything bad that happens in our lives will fall on the other person. They are our rock and our punching bag.

But isn’t degrading them in front of others disrespectful? Or is that just another way that people show their love towards their significant other? Maybe that is the bond between a couple, the ability to tease and make fun without resenting them. Maybe there are stronger people than I who can deal with this type of relationship.

For me, though, I can’t do it. I know that my husband and I will have to fight about things. I know that when the kids are exhausting, it takes a toll on us as a couple. As long as we can create some space to enjoy each other and continue to respect each other, I think we will be fine. But I don’t think I could survive being with someone who thinks putting me down is an acceptable form of affection. I might be too sensitive or I might just need something different.

I know we have all seen it throughout the generations and throughout different cultures. We have “husband” jokes and “wife” jokes. We hear this in wedding speeches all the time. There are stereotypes like the uptight wife or the messy husband that get reinforced over and over again. Can this change if we don’t agree with it? Why must this be the way to connect with others? Why can’t we use something positive instead?

I’d like to know what your thoughts are. I know that all marriages are different and have different bonds. I’d like to hear about what keeps your marriage strong. I’d like to also hear about what things you’ve heard between a couple that really irks you.

The Void

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Have you ever been at a point in your life where something felt like it was missing? From the outside, everything looks and seems perfect but you just know it’s not. It doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate everything you have but to be completely honest, there is a hole, a void that needs to be filled.

I know that I’m lucky. I have everything I could possible ask for and want. I have it easy on a lot of fronts. But there’s always been a part of me that needs more. It’s hard to say which area of my life needs to be filled.

This is something that we don’t talk about much. How many times have we gotten into a discussion with other people about feeling like something was missing? How many times have we talked about this feeling that something needs to change? We don’t. I know that when I have some adult time, I usually talk about the physical things happening in my life. It’s hard to express this void when everything I do have to say is already good. Maybe we talk about problems or issues we have with some part but again, it’s usually something that physically exists. This void is hard to explain. It’s hard to express in a way that others can understand. I hope I’m doing it some justice trying to explain it here.

In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says that “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don’t, you will leak away your innate contentment.”

I have felt that happiness and inner contentment. And somewhere, somehow, it leaked. I can’t be the only one in the world searching for something. I can’t be the only one who has this need to fill this void. It took me a while to realize that I was trying to fill it with things that would never satisfy it. It’s like I have to come to terms with myself and where my life is now and find joy in that. I can also actively work to add substance to my life to help. But the void can’t be filled with superficial distractions. It won’t work.

It’s hard to keep up this effort. But my only choices are either to keep doing it to find the contentment I seek or to give up. I refuse to give up.

How Do I Make 37 Better?

I just turned 37 this past weekend.

Honestly, I think I never thought about my life past kids. I had a plan to go through school, get married, get a graduate degree, and have kids. Now that I’ve accomplished all of that, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

I want to make 37 good. I lived 36 in this weird state of not sure where I was. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing. I was set in my priorities for everyone else around me.

I don’t want 37 to be like that. I want it to be filled with things that I can make memories out of. I want to feel like I accomplished something big. I know it seems like a weird thing to want considering in the past year, I’ve been raising 2 kids, managing their schedules, managing a household, and starting a new business.

Part of what I’m feeling is that a lot of that isn’t for me personally. I want to feel good about myself which I definitely have not been lately. I need to do something for me.

So I’ve decided to start a “bucket list”. The next step is trying to figure out what I really want. My feelings have been so jumbled up that I have to wade through all of those feelings to really understand what will make me happy. I also want to be able to commit to something. I usually push back if the thing I want to do takes up too much time or energy. I give up and walk away. I don’t know if that shows lack of interest or lack of follow-through.

I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a routine where I have a hard time finding what makes me happy. I want to be proactive and really jump in and take the chances I need to be taking.

If you have any bucket list suggestions, I would love to hear them. I’ve been having a hard time figuring this out and the only way I know to expand my thoughts is to hear what others are thinking.

The Internal Struggle of Loving Yourself

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Have you ever struggled with yourself? Maybe constantly battling with feeling valid or just a whole lot less invisible?

This internal battle is no joke. Loving yourself isn’t easy.

It’s easy to be numb and go through your day every day and not realize that something isn’t feeling right. It’s not easy to realize that you are numb and how can you find a way to feel again? Even better, how can you feel good about yourself again?

I don’t like who I have become. I’m doing my best as a mother, wife, business owner, and dancer. But I’m not doing my best as me. That’s probably because I’m so focused on doing well on everything else, I haven’t found the time for me to know myself anymore.

Life changes so fast that if you don’t actively keep up with yourself, you are easy to lose. All of a sudden, I don’t know who I am anymore. I know my labels. But who am I? The person I can see at the moment, I don’t like very much.

I know that I have to look inwards and figure out what makes me happy internally. I have to figure out how to move myself past this phase. If I’m internally happy, I can be a better mother, wife, business owner, and dancer.

It’s work and it’s tiring on top of everything else. But honestly, I don’t want to be miserable. I want to love myself. Because it’ll make it that much easier to accept the love that everyone else wants to share with me.

The Itch To Change

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I’ve gotten comfortable. I have now fallen into my stay-at-home mom schedule with a set of responsibilities and I’ve become comfortable. My biggest challenge is literally just to find a way to get dinner done before I have to leave for the gym since the time I go is dinner time for the kids.

I know I should be proud of raising children and taking care of my family and etc etc etc. But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m meant for more.

The last time I had this feeling, I changed around my whole life. I left the relationship I was in, my job had just laid me off, and I had just finished my MBA. That’s when I met someone who became my business partner and together, we developed a really great dance show. It was great. It was exactly what I needed at the time and it brought me a sense of fulfillment and contentment.

I have that feeling again. This time, I don’t think I need to make any major changes. I love my husband and my kids and the life we have created. My husband and I have also started teaching dance as a side business and are loving it.

That itch is still there though. I’m not sure what it means or what I should also be doing. I know things I’ve dreamt of but I’m not sure which ones are meant to come true and which ones I really want to pursue. I don’t know if I have the motivation to really figure out what it is that I need. I don’t even know which ones are realistic.

Have you ever sat on the edge of something you know will change you? I don’t know how to quite describe it. I’ll know it when I see it. And afterwards, I’ll be like “Remember when I was talking about this? This is how it happened. “.

To quote The Little Mermaid “I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something is starting right now.” (It’s stuck in my head. Thank you, children of mine.)