Tag: memories

PTSD

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I haven’t written in a while. Usually, when things are going relatively well, I don’t feel the need. I’m sure there are things I can talk about but it doesn’t seem necessary.

But recently, something happened that triggered PTSD (this is my therapist’s assessment – not mine) regarding my former relationship. I haven’t recovered after that event. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. It’s like what I went through just destroyed everything I’ve believed about myself for the last 15 years.

Most of the people who know me right now only know me as someone’s mom, involved with the community, and trying to accomplish all sorts of new challenges. What they don’t know about me is that my past has had some intense moments. Moments that demolished me as a person and required me to rebuild myself from scratch. I made decisions that caused me to have to fight for myself and my survival.

For the most part, this past has been put away. I was able to figure out who I am and move forward in life. I haven’t dwelled on the past for much.

Until something was triggered. And now I can’t stop reacting like I’m in my 20s again. I can’t see myself as the woman I’ve become in my 40s. I’ve lost the confidence and self-esteem that I’ve been relying on my the last 15 years. It’s a shock. I didn’t expect to be triggered at this point in my life. I’ve built so much and have created a life I’m proud of.

How do you climb out of this pit? I’ve done this before but it’s been so long that all of the fighting I did back then, I don’t remember how to do. I feel helpless at the bottom and like my pain and emotions are a burden on those around me. I feel like the trauma is just going to sit with me for the rest of my life.

Which really sucks. I don’t want to feel traumatized. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see myself how I used to, someone who believed that she was smart, attractive, unique. I don’t see it right now. I can’t feel it right now.

What is the solution? I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be walking this path. I don’t know if something will come that will resolve the trauma or if I’ll just be able to move on at some point. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to love myself again.

All I can do is hope and try to take it day by day. I can trust in the support I receive from the people who’ve been there for me. Because the one person who is constantly lying to me is myself.

Light the Night

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Do you have childhood best friends? Like the type that you grew up with and is your  family even though you’re not actually related?

I grew up with a whole group of people like this thanks to our parents knowing each other since college and settling down in the same area.

One person, in particular, I had literally known since birth. His dad and my dad actually grew up in the same small town in India together so they had known each other their whole lives as well. He played the role of my brother in my wedding and I MC’d at his wedding. Needless to say, we had been through a lot of our ups and downs together.

One day, we found out he had lymphoma. He was in his 20s, just about to head into dental school. I remember that we had found out that he had felt something off in his lymph nodes and were waiting for the biopsy results. I remember coming out of the gym and getting a voicemail from my sister telling me the results were in. I remember calling her back and her telling me that it wasn’t good. I remember going home, changing, and heading straight to his house.

It was scary. It was something that we never thought about in our 20s.

He started chemo. It definitely took a toll. I wasn’t there for the every day but I do have one particular memory of him, I, and a third friend we had grown up with going to an Angels game together during this time. He was tired and he said he always had a metallic taste in his mouth. It honestly really sucked. But the mentality that we always had is that there was no other option and that he had to beat it.

And one day, he did. After that, he started organizing our family and friends together every year for a Light the Night walk. We are Team Unbreakable.

At Light The Night, it is our aim to bring light to the darkness of cancer through research and cures. Light The Night is a series of fundraising campaigns benefiting The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) funding of research to find blood cancer cures. We bring hope instead of despair by working to ensure access to treatments for all blood cancer patients. We bring communities together to celebrate those who are fighting the disease and to honor those we have lost.

This year will be our 11th year walking together. It’s so amazing how something that was so hard has become such an inspiration. We hope this year, you’ll join us and donate to our team as well. We want to do everything we can in order to raise money to defeat cancer.

I hope you can find a way to help us out with our goal.