Tag: mental health

Battling Imposter Syndrome in Everyday Life

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Imposter syndrome.

A constant battle I face.

Webster defines imposter syndrome as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success”.

I feel imposter syndrome in all aspects of my life: as an accountant, as a dancer, as a writer, as an entrepreneur. Even though I have so much evidence to the contrary, any situation I go into, I feel like I haven’t done enough.

When I looking for jobs, even if there was one task that I wasn’t 100% sure about, I wouldn’t apply for it. I would be terrified that I would get the interview or even the job and then fail miserably. They would all know that I really knew nothing about accounting at all. It’s like the degree I worked hard to get and the years of experience means nothing. This is regardless of the fact that every boss I have ever worked for has been willing to teach me anything I ask. I have made mistakes but the majority of the time, I’m actually pretty good at what I do.

That brings me to dance. I’ve danced even longer than I’ve been an accountant. I’ve danced in big venues with professional dance teams. Yet, whenever we discuss experience or tryouts for something new, because I’m not trained in the standard ballet and jazz (I did take jazz as an adult for a couple of years but not throughout my life) or classical Indian (although I’ve also taken kathak as an adult), I feel like I’m not going to be good enough. There is constantly the fear that no matter how much experience I’ve had choreographing and performing, somehow I was just lucky enough to do it at all. I see these amazing dancers and always feel as though they are on a different level than me.

Writing. That’s been the most recent journey in my life. Yes, I’ve been writing this blog. Yes, I published a book. But there are people who have been doing this for years, are professionally trained, have worked for big companies or publishers, have best-selling novels. Was I good enough? Am I allowed to call myself a writer?

Imposter syndrome. It creeps up on you no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you have every right to be there. How do we get rid of this? How do we believe in ourselves enough that we stop feeling this way? What does it actually take to feel like you belong wherever you think you belong?

I have held onto most of my self-doubt for over 30 years. Maybe this next year will be the one where I start believing that I belong.

The Struggle Against External Validation

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I saw a quote today that said “Excessive approval seeking is rooted in an unstable sense of self.”

It’s a very interesting quote that made me stop and think. How many of us constantly need external validation? How many of us rely on it to make us feel better about ourselves?

What is the alternative?

We’ve grown up believing external validation is the only way to feel good about ourselves. If it’s not recognized by the people around us, what does that mean for our self-esteem?

When I was growing up, I taught every child in our group how to dance. The majority of performances that happened at family events were the dances that I choreographed and taught. Dancing as much as I did resulted in me trying out and making it on a couple of different professional Bollywood dance troupes. One day, there was a wedding in this family friends’ circle. It definitely hurt my feelings when the idea of hiring an outside group to perform was suggested. Didn’t these people know that my troupe was normally the one hired to perform? How did they not see that the talent resided within their own circle?

It was hard. Did that mean I wasn’t as good as I thought I was? It didn’t seem to matter that I had performed at some of the biggest venues in LA and with Grammy and Oscar Award winners. They wanted to hire someone else to perform at the wedding! What did it all mean? Maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought and had just gotten lucky all of those years.

Eventually, I had to learn to accept that I was good at what I did and if I was going to solely rely on outside approval, it was going to be a disappointing situation. Having that much self-doubt really sucked as well. The only way to make this work was to trust that I knew myself and my talent. I had to stop listening to what others were saying and listen to what I was saying instead.

More recently, social media makes this extremely difficult. The number of likes and shares has become a huge basis for validation. What if no one saw that we did something or achieved something? Does it mean we had no effect? Does it mean we aren’t talented or skilled or good-looking?

What if we all started looking internally for approval instead? I actively had to decide that I don’t want to live like this, constantly seeking approval. I want to feel good about myself and approve of myself. No one else gets a say in who I am or what I do. It’s a battle to not seek external validation but it’s one I’m willing to fight even when it’s hard.

What’s something that you find yourself seeking approval for? Could you try to approve of yourself and find a sense of stability there?

The Importance of Vulnerability in Friendships

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How many of you are open with your friends? I mean, really open and honest.

I’ve been speaking about the trauma I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I wanted to present another aspect of this.

I realized about two weeks into heavily feeling like I was never going to be happy or okay again that I was going through this alone. It finally occurred to me that when I was going through my last big life change, I had a created a community that I could turn to in these cases. It occurred to me that I hadn’t even tried to tell them about everything going on in my life.

So I finally did. And I don’t mean just tell them. I mean, ugly crying on the phone while I explain how miserable I felt about myself and how it felt like I was never going to be okay again. I must have called and texted everyone in that group a million times in the last month and a half.

Then, I realized that everyone in my community didn’t live near me anymore. Which meant we were reliant on both sets of schedules to even be able to communicate. I decided that I need to expand the people I could be vulnerable with. But who? My original community were people who I’ve known for years and essentially grown up as adults with.

It was time to trust that some of the friends I made in the last few years were strong enough and accepting of my emotional madness. So I laid it all out there in a text to three of them. I told them I wasn’t okay and that I needed support. And they came through. I received calls and invites of just hanging out (which is so much easier to do if you live near each other). We meet up for tea or lunch. We randomly sit and just talk about life. They’re open with me and I, in turn, can be open with them.

It was a risk. I didn’t know if that would work out. For all I know, they might have decided that I was losing it and maybe it was worth just backing off a little bit. It was terrifying being that vulnerable about everything I’ve been through with people whom I’ve essentially known for less than 3 years.

How many of us are willing to take that risk? How many of us hang out with people we claim are our community but never really talk about anything important? How many of us hide what we are really feeling in the name of seeming to be put together?

Why? We all feel. We all have issues. Why can’t we be open with people whom we claim to trust?

I’ll tell you it’s been worth reconnecting with different parts of my community. Not only do I have the women I’ve been relying on for the past 20 years but I also have a few new groups that I can be open about and that show up when I’ve needed them. Even if it’s just to laugh and get away from myself for a minute.

Are you up for being vulnerable with your friends?

Why We Should Brag About Our Achievements

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Recently, I’ve been wanting recognition for all of the things I do. But I don’t want to advertise that I do them. I just want people to quietly recognize that I’m good at a lot of things. Why? Because as a South Asian Indian woman (and possible just as a woman in general), I’ve been taught that I don’t brag about my achievements. If it’s worth being noticed, people will notice you. However, in a world as chaotic as ours, is that even possible if we don’t advocate for ourselves?

I was out with some girlfriends yesterday for happy hour and talking about how I was feeling. One of them clearly stated that I need to put myself out there and tell them about the cool things I’ve been participating in. My obvious reaction was “Brag about myself?! I couldn’t do that!”

But why not? Another friend of ours told us that her sister wrote this LinkedIn Post that spoke to something very similar.

We see so many people absolutely do this. They post positive things about what’s happening in their lives without abandon. So why are there some of us that will only accept quiet recognition? Why can’t we also shout about our achievements?

When I think about doing this, I feel shame that I’m going to be bragging about what I do, what I’ve accomplished. Like I’m doing something wrong in speaking up for myself or like I’m showing off. It goes all the training I’ve had. I’m not supposed to talk about myself. I’m supposed to quietly do my work and be happy internally. I’m not supposed to want any external validation or share any of my accomplishments. If I do so, I’m a loud, braggy woman. I’m overconfident and talking about myself too much.

So where does that get us? It creates internal resentment that no one notices that I achieve so much. It creates a battle within me of wanting to share but not come off as boastful. It makes me feel invisible. How are people supposed to see me if I keep hiding?

The irony is that my friends yesterday clearly said that they would be proud of the things I shared because they support my endeavors. So I think I’m going to start sharing more.

Because…..why the hell not?

Feeling Less Than

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I wrote recently about my PTSD with my past relationship. I wanted to talk about something else it triggered it me that I’ve been having a hard time fighting. Unfortunately, there are a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming days but today, this is the topic.

Feeling less than. When the PTSD hit, it triggered how I felt in that time frame. I had always felt like I wasn’t good enough, how no matter how pretty I was, how thin I was, how many cool things I did, I would never be good enough. My self-worth had dwindled down to nothing. I would try to change who I was constantly to feel like my ex found value in me, that he found me worthy to love. It took me a few years of therapy and fighting back to really find myself and love myself for who I was.

In the last 15 years, it’s been okay. I have had ups and downs but I usually can come back to myself even through all the hard stuff. I haven’t really questioned that I’m good enough. I had made it a core belief.

But this time, this knocked me for a loop. It wiped my feet out from under me. And for the past few months, I have no idea who I am. When I look at myself, I don’t see myself at all. Everything I’ve ever done feels like it doesn’t matter.

I know I’m unconditionally loved. It’s one of the best parts of having kids. They love you no matter what you’re going through. I’m still doing all the things I have in the past so I can’t figure out the reason I’m still feeling like this other than the trigger was unresolved and the trauma is still hitting me constantly.

I’m battling to feel my self-worth again. Every day is a struggle. There are just as many bad days as good. I’m terrified daily that I’ll sink back down even when I’ve fought my way up. Every day, I’m pushing to feel okay. And a lot of times, I do succeed. The times I don’t are hard.

I’m writing about this, not to only share what I’ve been dealing with, but also to share it so if anyone else has these struggles, know that you aren’t alone. A lot of us fight these battles constantly even if we don’t show it. I’ve been turning to more therapy, more meditation (which is hard in itself), and my community. I’ve created groups where I can be vulnerable but I forget to turn to them when I really need to. But that discussion will be a separate post.

The question becomes how do we survive this other than fighting for ourselves daily? Will it ever get better? Who do we depend on when you are not strong enough to depend on yourself?

PTSD

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I haven’t written in a while. Usually, when things are going relatively well, I don’t feel the need. I’m sure there are things I can talk about but it doesn’t seem necessary.

But recently, something happened that triggered PTSD (this is my therapist’s assessment – not mine) regarding my former relationship. I haven’t recovered after that event. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. It’s like what I went through just destroyed everything I’ve believed about myself for the last 15 years.

Most of the people who know me right now only know me as someone’s mom, involved with the community, and trying to accomplish all sorts of new challenges. What they don’t know about me is that my past has had some intense moments. Moments that demolished me as a person and required me to rebuild myself from scratch. I made decisions that caused me to have to fight for myself and my survival.

For the most part, this past has been put away. I was able to figure out who I am and move forward in life. I haven’t dwelled on the past for much.

Until something was triggered. And now I can’t stop reacting like I’m in my 20s again. I can’t see myself as the woman I’ve become in my 40s. I’ve lost the confidence and self-esteem that I’ve been relying on my the last 15 years. It’s a shock. I didn’t expect to be triggered at this point in my life. I’ve built so much and have created a life I’m proud of.

How do you climb out of this pit? I’ve done this before but it’s been so long that all of the fighting I did back then, I don’t remember how to do. I feel helpless at the bottom and like my pain and emotions are a burden on those around me. I feel like the trauma is just going to sit with me for the rest of my life.

Which really sucks. I don’t want to feel traumatized. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see myself how I used to, someone who believed that she was smart, attractive, unique. I don’t see it right now. I can’t feel it right now.

What is the solution? I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be walking this path. I don’t know if something will come that will resolve the trauma or if I’ll just be able to move on at some point. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to love myself again.

All I can do is hope and try to take it day by day. I can trust in the support I receive from the people who’ve been there for me. Because the one person who is constantly lying to me is myself.

Sharing Depression

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I recently talked to my parents about the fact that I have a tendency towards depression. I admitted that I’ve had it since I was a teenager. It wasn’t something I could put a name to at that point but looking back after all of the experiences I’ve had living with it, it was there just waiting for me to fall into its pit. Somehow, even with these feelings constantly swirling around me, I managed to get all the way through my 20s before it became a major issue. And finally with all of the right elements in place, it did become a huge issue.

I couldn’t get out of bed on those days. Food wasn’t meaningful. Every day was such a huge struggle that life was beyond hard. I must have cried so much in that time frame. Because of the constant therapy and the fight I finally decided to put up against it, I did make it through.

Even though life was infinitely better and more well-rounded through my 30s, it would still linger in the background. For a while after having each of my children, post-partum depression definitely made a strong appearance. Luckily, for me, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Eventually, I even got to a point where my life was starting to feel good because I was getting more time to chase my dreams.

Then, covid hit. Everything went backwards. For a while, it was fine. It took almost a year and a half but then the little pieces of it added up. Somehow, without noticing it, it became bigger and bigger until just earlier this year, I realized that depression was back. Not just a hint or a faint scent but full-fledged back.

It’s not like I shut down. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I have a family to take care of. I have businesses to run. I can’t lay in bed for hours, eating candy, and hoping to feel better. I have to continue to function this time. So I did. I kept pushing forward. What choice do I have?

You know when I realized it was depression? When I realized I couldn’t feel excited about anything. When joy seemed to be nowhere in sight. I wasn’t laughing anymore. Things feel like they’ll never be better. Sometimes, you end up floating around in that black cloud that makes you question “what’s the point?”.

The best decision I made when covid hit was to get back into therapy. So now, I’ve been doing sessions throughout the last year which means I haven’t sunk as fully as I could have. I’m also aware and grateful for the support I do have around me because I know that they keep me afloat in what could have been that bottomless pit. Just a few moments of calm each week with people that love me keeps me holding on.

So I told my parents all of this. My parents have been pretty supportive with the whole mental health thing. They’ve tried to understand why and how I feel as I do. This isn’t always the case with South Asian Indian parents. Mental health is still a stigma. Depression is a stigma. Anxiety is a stigma. Everything that isn’t able to be physically seen is a stigma.

The biggest question that comes out of it is “How can you be depressed when you have everything?” I do have everything. I’m luckier than most. And the biggest blessing I have is the ability to communicate openly how I feel. I know I’m not alone.

So this is how I answered the question, “It’s because I had everything that it wasn’t or hasn’t been worse. I survived because I had the family support. I survive daily because I am able to talk about what I’m going through with my spouse, family, and friends. I get through each day knowing the next might be better because I don’t have to hide that I don’t feel okay.”

That’s it. Just being able to share that little piece, being able to cry when it’s not all okay, is enough to make sure I don’t drown when things are hard, when the world in general is hard. That’s how I know that one day I will get through it. It’s hard thing to consistently believe but I have had better days and for now, one day at a time is all I can do.

Floating

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How many of you are currently living inside of your heads? No matter what’s actually happening, you are just floating through your day to day. You get through each day, functioning, doing your daily tasks but not really living in the present.

Has anyone else started worrying or thinking more about every day things that you wouldn’t have considered before? (“Started” might be the wrong word since covid has been going on for over a year now.) The slightest things I wouldn’t have noticed before stress me out now. Allergies, pain anywhere, a change in anything.

I recently looked up the timeline of the flu of 1918 to find out when things would feel a little bit more normal again. The article I read said that by spring of 1920, it was like it never happened. Overall, it doesn’t seem too bad, 2- 2.5 years of dealing with masks and quarantining. But living through it is harder than sounds. Every step we take is filled with worry and stress. The “what ifs”, the “is this the right choice”, the “should we” haunt us every day and every day after that.

We are living with loneliness even with a house full of people, the personal and professional sacrifices that some of us have made in order to deal with schooling and full time caretaking, and the lack of freedom that comes with thinking about what is necessary for the good of the community. The things that would have alleviated these feelings in the past are not options in the current state of society. The events and celebrations that we would have looked forward to have all but disappeared. We float.

It’s emotional and mentally exhausting. It’s surviving and dealing with small pieces of joy that are incredibly difficult to see. It’s feeling like things will never be okay again. It’s putting one foot in front of the other, while feeding your family, making sure they are safe and mentally okay, and giving them what they need to at least survive, if not thrive. And, in the end, what will each of us be left with?

I’m ready to get my feet back on the ground and move forward. I don’t want to float anymore.

The Art of Being Still

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I have this itch to do something. I’ve had this itch for a long time, probably around the time I became a stay-at-home mom to 2 kids. There is an intense feeling that I should be out in the world doing something, accomplishing something.

I read this quote today and it resonated with me:

“Crazy-busy is a great armor, it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.” – Brene Brown

It got me wondering if that’s what I’m doing. Am I trying to do something so I stay ahead of what I’m feeling? Do I need to accomplish something so that I feel validated as a person? I feel like I have been numb for a while. I haven’t felt the ups and downs like a regular person would. It might be that I’m protecting myself from feeling at all.

What if I were to stop trying to force the issue for a bit? What if I were to just stay still and really figure out what’s going on with me? What if I were to let the armor down?

It’s a scary thought.

I also wonder if I’m the only one. How many other people are trying to stay super busy so they don’t have to think, to feel? What if we slowed down for a minute? Would it allow us to see who we truly are?

Being South Asian Indian, we are especially regularly busy. We have so many social events that we plan our events months or even years in advance. Is it a good thing to have that community or does it just add the busyness? Is there a balance you can achieve where you have the space to discover yourself but enough people around you to have the support you need?

The next thing I wonder about is if will it be disappointing to see myself at a stand still.  What if I don’t like who I am without the cover of busyness? Will it even reveal something? It feels overwhelming to just stop. How do you discover who you are and what you’re feeling? How do you handle what you find out? What is okay? What will I find okay?

I’m up for the challenge because I’ve been trying to forcing myself to find something to accomplish for a while now. I want to slow down and let the universe reveal the path I’m supposed to take. It might be easier even if I have to face things about myself I don’t like.

Let me know your stories if you have ever tried this before. I’d love to know.

 

 

 

 

Emotional Awareness- Yes, It’s A Real Thing

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Have you ever met people who have no idea why they are acting the way they are acting? They don’t seem to understand that actions have a cause and effect. They act and react according to instinct but never take the time to really think about the why.

I touched on this a little bit in Emotional Abuse…Let’s Talk About It. Emotional awareness isn’t something common among South Asian Indians. We haven’t been raised with the idea of mental health.

For those of us who have finally figured out that mental health is as important as physical health, it took a long time to get to that realization. For me, in particular, it took a lot of going through problems and changes to understand that this was an important aspect that I needed to address if I really wanted to be happy. I had to face that this was a real thing. My mental health was something I had to take care of continuously.

Because I finally faced myself, I started self-analyzing so that I could understand why I acted a certain why at certain times. For example, I used to be super jealous in my previous relationships. I just reacted to the things that would happen. After the end of one of my relationships, I finally took a look at how I was acting because being jealous is seriously no fun. I realized that it had to do with my personal insecurities. I had (and still have) a hard time believing I’m worth anything to anyone. The only difference is now I understand that this is something I need to work on as opposed to my partner. I understand now that I should not be putting this on someone else. It helped my relationships that followed after.

I take the way I feel about myself very seriously. It’s easy to blame unhappiness and a lack of satisfaction on the world around you because it’s difficult to look inward. But most of the time, we can control how we feel and be able to change it if we just took the time to understand where our feelings came from. We can have a better understanding of ourselves and how we react to the world around us and give ourselves a chance to really feel good about our lives.

Even if it feels like you are on top of the world, being emotionally self-aware is a good thing. It’s always good to know why you act the way you act. Maintaining your mental health should be as important as maintaining your physical health. Give it a try sometime.