Tag: self love

The Struggle Against External Validation

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I saw a quote today that said “Excessive approval seeking is rooted in an unstable sense of self.”

It’s a very interesting quote that made me stop and think. How many of us constantly need external validation? How many of us rely on it to make us feel better about ourselves?

What is the alternative?

We’ve grown up believing external validation is the only way to feel good about ourselves. If it’s not recognized by the people around us, what does that mean for our self-esteem?

When I was growing up, I taught every child in our group how to dance. The majority of performances that happened at family events were the dances that I choreographed and taught. Dancing as much as I did resulted in me trying out and making it on a couple of different professional Bollywood dance troupes. One day, there was a wedding in this family friends’ circle. It definitely hurt my feelings when the idea of hiring an outside group to perform was suggested. Didn’t these people know that my troupe was normally the one hired to perform? How did they not see that the talent resided within their own circle?

It was hard. Did that mean I wasn’t as good as I thought I was? It didn’t seem to matter that I had performed at some of the biggest venues in LA and with Grammy and Oscar Award winners. They wanted to hire someone else to perform at the wedding! What did it all mean? Maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought and had just gotten lucky all of those years.

Eventually, I had to learn to accept that I was good at what I did and if I was going to solely rely on outside approval, it was going to be a disappointing situation. Having that much self-doubt really sucked as well. The only way to make this work was to trust that I knew myself and my talent. I had to stop listening to what others were saying and listen to what I was saying instead.

More recently, social media makes this extremely difficult. The number of likes and shares has become a huge basis for validation. What if no one saw that we did something or achieved something? Does it mean we had no effect? Does it mean we aren’t talented or skilled or good-looking?

What if we all started looking internally for approval instead? I actively had to decide that I don’t want to live like this, constantly seeking approval. I want to feel good about myself and approve of myself. No one else gets a say in who I am or what I do. It’s a battle to not seek external validation but it’s one I’m willing to fight even when it’s hard.

What’s something that you find yourself seeking approval for? Could you try to approve of yourself and find a sense of stability there?

PTSD

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I haven’t written in a while. Usually, when things are going relatively well, I don’t feel the need. I’m sure there are things I can talk about but it doesn’t seem necessary.

But recently, something happened that triggered PTSD (this is my therapist’s assessment – not mine) regarding my former relationship. I haven’t recovered after that event. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. It’s like what I went through just destroyed everything I’ve believed about myself for the last 15 years.

Most of the people who know me right now only know me as someone’s mom, involved with the community, and trying to accomplish all sorts of new challenges. What they don’t know about me is that my past has had some intense moments. Moments that demolished me as a person and required me to rebuild myself from scratch. I made decisions that caused me to have to fight for myself and my survival.

For the most part, this past has been put away. I was able to figure out who I am and move forward in life. I haven’t dwelled on the past for much.

Until something was triggered. And now I can’t stop reacting like I’m in my 20s again. I can’t see myself as the woman I’ve become in my 40s. I’ve lost the confidence and self-esteem that I’ve been relying on my the last 15 years. It’s a shock. I didn’t expect to be triggered at this point in my life. I’ve built so much and have created a life I’m proud of.

How do you climb out of this pit? I’ve done this before but it’s been so long that all of the fighting I did back then, I don’t remember how to do. I feel helpless at the bottom and like my pain and emotions are a burden on those around me. I feel like the trauma is just going to sit with me for the rest of my life.

Which really sucks. I don’t want to feel traumatized. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see myself how I used to, someone who believed that she was smart, attractive, unique. I don’t see it right now. I can’t feel it right now.

What is the solution? I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be walking this path. I don’t know if something will come that will resolve the trauma or if I’ll just be able to move on at some point. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to love myself again.

All I can do is hope and try to take it day by day. I can trust in the support I receive from the people who’ve been there for me. Because the one person who is constantly lying to me is myself.