It’s 2018!

Happy new year! New year tends to be a time where we look back at our lives and try to figure out where we can be better and what we can improve on.

I usually don’t do new year’s resolutions because I have the mindset that if I want to do something, why wait for the new year? But this time around, it all coincided and there are promises I want to make to myself. There are things I want to try to accomplish because honestly, so much of what I want to do gets put on the back burner because my priorities are always my kids and my husband. I want to be able to manage my life in a way where I can do it all.

So here it goes:

  1. Go to sleep earlier. This one is hard because my kids don’t go to sleep super early and then the only time to myself and with my husband is after they do fall asleep. As a result, we tend to sleep later than we should. I wanted to try sleeping earlier and maybe we can wake up earlier.
  2. Continue with my weight loss goals. I’m still in the process of losing my baby weight and I’ve been doing good. I just need to keep it going.
  3. Make a success out of our new family business. We recently started teaching dance classes and want to grow it as much as we can this year.
  4. Get my blogging consistent. I know I’ve said this before and I’ll be good for a week but then life happens and it’s hard. Even now, I’m typing with my baby in hand trying to grab at the computer.

Overall, I want to spend more time being with people and not distracted when I’m spending time with them. I also want to be able to figure myself out again.

I tend to have unrealistically high expectations of myself and my life. Hopefully, I can make some of them come true.

What are your resolutions?

Mom Life

I know I posted regularly for about 2 weeks and then, I stopped posting again. I go through this phase of trying to be productive so I schedule my day and try to keep up with everything. Somewhere between the start and the end of the week, I get tired or sick and everything goes to hell. I lose all momentum in trying to rest and recover and it takes a genuine effort to start becoming productive again.

So many times, I feel like I’m just barely keeping on top of everything. I’m barely getting the laundry done and cooking dinner and cleaning up stuff. I get my kids through each day. My last priority ends up being exercising or blogging or anything with regards to self-care.

I know this is on me (because I could give up watching that last tv show and go to sleep earlier which in turn would give me more energy throughout the day). I’m not sure how to do everything I want while doing everything I need to get done.

It’s difficult to give anything my full attention as well. If I want to blog (like I am doing now), I’m not paying attention to my child. If I want to play with my kids, something else takes a back seat. Nap time is only a temporary break where I feed myself and sit for a moment. And that’s only if both kids nap at once.

Before kids, I always had me time. Sleep was never a priority. So now, everything shifts as me time is a very specially planned segment of my day and I have to put sleep over other things I want to do.

I’m not sure how to feel like I’m on top of everything all the time. No matter what, there is always something to be done.

This blog post feels a bit like I’m rambling on about something with no focus. Welcome to my brain right now.

Things Are So Different Now

Things are so different now.

I remember being in my 20s. I worked, went to school, danced on teams, and went on trips. I remember sleep never being a priority and hanging out with friends being the #1 priority. I remember taking one random trip to Vegas in the midst of many planned trips to Vegas.

Things are so different now.

My day revolves around my kids’ schedules. Now our days are planned around their classes and play dates, their naps and meal times, and their bedtimes. Anything I want or need to do for myself has to be fitted in around these things.

I used to be able to hang out at my friends’ places for hours. Now if I try, I get reminded that if my kids are not comfortable, it’s probably not going to happen.

Before, if I could, I would be out. Anything I could go do, I would do it. Now, I would almost rather be at home. It’s easier. (Maybe it’ll get easier to go out with 2 kids once my second one is a little bit older but for now, it’s easier to manage the 2 at home.)

I remember one weekend where I partied Friday night and Saturday night and had full days of dance practices on Saturday and Sunday. That meant practically no sleep and being hungover. That meant a Monday at work that hurt.

Things are so different now. I would rather be home and well-rested. I’d rather be in bed by 10 with my significant other and watching tv.

I’m hoping that as my kids get older, I find a different balance than I had then and that I have now. Something a little more in between.

While I’m glad that things are different now, I don’t want them to change completely.

Mom Tired

Over the last week, there were multiple nights were I did get over 7 hours of sleep. It was broken sleep because I still had to wake up to feed my baby but according to my Fitbit, I did manage to get around 7- 8 hours total.

So then why am I still tired when I wake up in the morning and all day?

I think there is something called “Mom tired”. It can apply to dads too (I’m not trying to be discriminatory at all).

It’s this feeling that no matter how much rest you get, no matter how much time to yourself you get, you will always be tired. Coffee helps but only to a certain point.

What is it about having kids that does make you tired permanently? I always had bags under my eyes but now I think they are there for life. Nothing is going to help this mess on my face.

And you are on their schedule. That means, you probably won’t be able to sleep until they do and you have to be as active as they are while they are awake.

Somehow, you power through it every day. You do as much as you can. You spend the time with your kids and be as involved in their in lives as you can. And, of course, as soon as they are asleep, you know you should go to sleep but it’s the only alone time you’ve had all day so you stay up a little bit later than you should (which probably doesn’t help the bags).

I’m assuming being tired all day is something that will eventually go away when the kids become older and sleep all night.

But until then, more coffee to me.

The Other Part of Me

It’s been 2.5 years since we had our first child. It’s been 1 month since we had our second. We have started doing the normal, everyday domestic things like managing our own house, cooking, and cleaning. We have to have a regular schedule throughout the week now since our first child does go to school and classes on a weekly basis. Even when I have a break, I just want to sit and binge watch some laid-back Netflix show. The only other things I think about doing during a break is catching up on sleep.

Let’s put it this way: it’s been a long time since I’ve thought about me. And I don’t mean in the way that I want to do something and haven’t had a chance. I mean in the way where I think about where I am in life.

Suddenly, my days were just about getting things done and taking care of my family. Everything started to become a routine. I was just trying to get somewhere on time, cook dinner, get laundry done, and get the kids to sleep so I could spend some time with my husband (that is, if one of us hadn’t already passed out from pure exhaustion). My entire goal for the day is to just get through it.

What about me though? I danced, I read, I wrote, I analyzed my life and tried to be grateful for everything that I’ve been fortunate to have. I stopped doing all of that. When I had a spare moment, I went on Facebook and just read the articles that popped up there. I occasionally danced for a friend’s wedding. I completely stopped writing. And I haven’t even thought about keeping a positive mindset or about what I am grateful for.

With all of the things going on in this world, I decided I needed to take a break and read something else rather than the articles on Facebook. I picked up the Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Power of Positive from my bookshelf and am currently trying to read a couple of stories of it when I have a few spare moments.

It has made me realize that I haven’t thought about myself. My passions have taken a backseat currently. It’s not that I’m not enjoying the things I am doing now. It’s just that there is so much more to me than just being a mom and wife. There are things that make me feel alive in a different kind of way. I don’t want to resent not nurturing my passions. I want to feel more. I want to be aware of more.

Writing this post is a promise that I am making to myself to bring this part of me back to life.

A Letter To My Child

To my baby,

I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Your father and I had to go through a lot before you came but you’re here now. Our perfect little baby.

I finally know what it means to watch my heart walking around outside of my body. The first week or so, one of us had to stay awake while you slept because we wanted to make sure you were okay.  I didn’t know then what I know now,  that you are tougher than you look. But I still always worry when you’re not smiling at me. I still wake up at least 3 times a night to make sure you’re doing fine.

It’s been tough.  We are learning each other and teaching each other at the same time. There are days I’m completely frustrated and exhausted but then, you do something new that I’ve never seen before and forget everything and am in awe again.

I love to fact that you do smile at me now. It feels like you know who I am, even though I’m not sure if you do. I can’t wait to share more with you. I want to laugh with you, dance with you, live with you. I want to teach you everything I’ve learned so you don’t make the same mistakes. I want you to see the world in the best light possible. I want you to always be happy.

I can’t believe I’m writing this letter to you. I hope you get to read it some day. For now, I’ll settle for you being the love of my life. Thank you for coming to us.