Tag: accountant

Battling Imposter Syndrome in Everyday Life

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Imposter syndrome.

A constant battle I face.

Webster defines imposter syndrome as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success”.

I feel imposter syndrome in all aspects of my life: as an accountant, as a dancer, as a writer, as an entrepreneur. Even though I have so much evidence to the contrary, any situation I go into, I feel like I haven’t done enough.

When I looking for jobs, even if there was one task that I wasn’t 100% sure about, I wouldn’t apply for it. I would be terrified that I would get the interview or even the job and then fail miserably. They would all know that I really knew nothing about accounting at all. It’s like the degree I worked hard to get and the years of experience means nothing. This is regardless of the fact that every boss I have ever worked for has been willing to teach me anything I ask. I have made mistakes but the majority of the time, I’m actually pretty good at what I do.

That brings me to dance. I’ve danced even longer than I’ve been an accountant. I’ve danced in big venues with professional dance teams. Yet, whenever we discuss experience or tryouts for something new, because I’m not trained in the standard ballet and jazz (I did take jazz as an adult for a couple of years but not throughout my life) or classical Indian (although I’ve also taken kathak as an adult), I feel like I’m not going to be good enough. There is constantly the fear that no matter how much experience I’ve had choreographing and performing, somehow I was just lucky enough to do it at all. I see these amazing dancers and always feel as though they are on a different level than me.

Writing. That’s been the most recent journey in my life. Yes, I’ve been writing this blog. Yes, I published a book. But there are people who have been doing this for years, are professionally trained, have worked for big companies or publishers, have best-selling novels. Was I good enough? Am I allowed to call myself a writer?

Imposter syndrome. It creeps up on you no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you have every right to be there. How do we get rid of this? How do we believe in ourselves enough that we stop feeling this way? What does it actually take to feel like you belong wherever you think you belong?

I have held onto most of my self-doubt for over 30 years. Maybe this next year will be the one where I start believing that I belong.

Removing Myself As An Obstacle

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I have 2 advanced degrees, neither of which are in writing, English, or any type of journalism. Tonight is the first night that I am taking time away from my family to devote a few hours solely to myself and writing.

I am terrified. Who do I think I am? I am qualified to count people’s money. I’m not qualified to write words on a page and think that it can be “something”.

Yet I’m here. I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid. It’s hard to admit it but I would try to write stories since I was 10. I would dream of publishing a novel. Instead of actually trying to follow my dreams, however, I followed the practical road. I became an accountant. And that was after rejecting dentistry (science and I did not get along). Writing was never my first choice as a career in real life.

For the last 5 years, I have been a stay at home mom who has occasionally written in her blog. I would be focused for a few weeks and lose it after when real life overtook my side aspirations. Now, I’ve been given a chance at consistency.

And I am terrified. I was having crazy anxiety just driving to the coffee shop right now. I feel like a fraud. I’m not a professional writer. So why do I get to step away from my family in order to sit and put words on the screen for a few hours? Is it even realistic goal? Does it have to be? Can’t I just dream big?

I don’t know if this will even come to anything. All I know is writing has always been good for my soul. So here I am.

Barely An Accountant

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So I’m pretty sure that most Indian parents out there dreamed that their child was going to grow up and be a doctor or if not that,  at least an engineer.  I didn’t realize that my profession as an accountant didn’t really count in the eyes of the community.  Not until I had heard someone say that I was barely an accountant. 

The funny thing is that I’m the one with a standard degree in my family.  My siblings and even my cousins did much more interesting things that just accounting.  I’m a little jealous that my degree is so boring.  

So let’s talk about the standards and expectations that the Indian community has.  If you’re a doctor,  you’ve made it. If you marry a doctor, you have also made it. Now if you are both doctors,  you both are pretty much royalty.  

I’m assuming that this mentality that the generations above us have of becoming a doctor has to do with two things : financial stability and status in the community. I have even heard people in our generation talk about the fact that if someone is a doctor (or if you marry one),  that person has it made. 

 It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you might actually love what you do. The people I know that are doctors have this passion for their respective specialties. They work pretty damn hard at it too.  

Now let’s talk about the rest of us.  The accountants, the lawyers, the business people, the journalists, the artists, etc. Are we now considered unsuccessful? When people meet us, do they look down on us because we didn’t want to become doctors? What is so wrong about following a different passion?  

In past posts, I’ve talked about making something you love into a financially stable career.  What if you did that already?  I honestly think that as long as a person has ambition for something and can support themselves,  they can do anything they want in the world. And I think people have stopped caring what the community thinks regarding this. Otherwise,  we wouldn’t have had such a range of professions out there now.  

The question really is whether or not we will get respect for what we have chosen to do with our lives.