Tag: angry

Last On The List

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Taking care of yourself is not easy. It’s especially difficult when you have 2 kids and they are your priorities. Every day, I take a look at my calendar and it’s filled with everything I need to take my kids to or get done for my family. Currently, I’m using their nap time to write this post.

It’s more than likely that if you have kids, you get caught up in their daily lives. You keep taking your one step in front of another to realize that you have gone a while without doing anything for yourself.

It’s another type of downward spiral. If you keep putting yourself last, you’ll be (guess where?) last.

The funny thing is that my husband would tell me to take nights off and go write or go spend time with friends or go do whatever. But I feel/felt guilty. I feel like he is working so hard to take care of all of us. How can I just push more work onto him when he is finished with his actual work? How can I not be there for my kids just because I’m tired?

And the worst part is that if I choose not to take the break, I resent everyone else for it.

It took me a while to figure this out. I wasn’t a better person for putting everyone else first. I was angry that I never got to do anything for myself. I was angry that I felt unimportant to everyone else. I wasn’t happy. Basically, I felt like my kids’ maid and that was all I was good for.

This wasn’t going to change without me putting in some effort. Obviously, the kids need me. Obviously, I need to do my part in helping the household function. So it involved some thought and practice on changing the way my life was scheduled.

Now, I wake up early to exercise so I can’t blame anyone else for missing a workout. The days I don’t is because I prioritize sleep since that is what my body needs that day. I’ve been making plans with people and not feeling guilty about it. Even if that little seed of doubt enters my mind, I try to make it leave because really, I’m a better wife and mom because I do take the break.

We try to go out on weekly or semi-monthly dates. I used to feel guilty about leaving my kids with their grandparents but I’ve realized that they all seem to be having fun so what am I feeling guilty about? I might as well have fun too.

And I’m loving writing again. It took me a while to get back into this because I was so busy trying to take care of everyone else that my mind became super blocked. The thought of putting words down started feeling overwhelming. I kept pushing it off until I couldn’t anymore. I enjoy doing this. So I have added it to the list of things I want to do for myself.

There are 100 other things that I’d love to add to that list and maybe as my kids get older, I can. But, for now, finding some way, any way to do something for myself that I look forward to on a daily basis is enough.

Am I A Bad Mom?

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Today, I yelled at my kid.

Let me be completely honest.

Today, I have constantly been yelling at my kid and considering the day isn’t over yet, I’ll probably be yelling at her a few more times.

I tried having patience. I honestly tried to dance it out and be silly with my child. I love her a lot and can be so proud of her a lot of the time. She amazes me in so many ways and is a really great kid.

But, man, can she push my buttons! It’s like she knows exactly what to do and what to say that will really push me until I do get mad.

I don’t want to be the uptight, angry mom. I want to be the fun-loving laid-back mom. But I can’t seem to find a way to be consistent with my kids. No matter what my intentions are, I feel as if I’m going to lose by the end of the day. And then, I feel terrible. I feel like I must be the worst mom in the world. Who gets angry at their kids all the time?

I only feel like myself again after I either exercise or sleep. I do those as much as I can but the breaks don’t come often enough. There are some days I just want to give up altogether. It’s draining constantly trying to make a toddler and an infant understand that I’m saying “no” to them for their own safety.

I feel like I used to be a patient person….until I had kids.

I hope that this is something that I can improve on. I’m hoping that both the kids and myself will grow and it’ll help our relationship. I hope that I can prove to be a better parent to my kids.

All I know is that I will keep trying to be the mom my kids really deserve.

The Incredible Hulk Mom

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I’d like to think of myself as a patient person. I definitely thought I got more pissed off at people when I was in my teens and 20s and I grew past it and learned how to just let things be in my 30s.

That was before I had a 2 year old.

My kid can push my buttons like no other. I don’t know if it’s a phase or if it’s her personality but I become this super angry mom around her. And I hate myself for being that way.

I always thought I’d be this really cool mom. You know, like those moms on Pinterest. And when she acted up, I’d put her on timeout and that was the last time that behavior happened.

I can’t believe how mad I can get. I can’t believe a 2 year old can make me cry. Put her together with my infant and they can make me believe I need to be in therapy all the time.

I don’t know if this is something that will pass or I will learn how to deal better. I read other articles with the hopes of some major breakthrough so I can figure out how to deal with my toddler that benefits both of us. Because screaming at her doesn’t seem to help either of us. I want her to understand the things we ask of her are for her benefit. She also needs to learn how to deal with her emotions because I do understand that she is feeling all sorts of new things. It’s a unchartered, crazy path we both walk on together.

Now we just figure out the way to go so that neither of us has a meltdown.

Yes, I’m Being a Hypocrite by Writing This Post

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I’ve been really pissed off lately. I was trying to figure out where all of this anger was coming from and I realized that a lot of it is watching the hypocritical behavior in others.

I want to be completely honest. I’m a hypocrite too. Especially for writing this particular entry. How can I judge someone else being hypocritical when this entire post is about not judging and not being hypocritical? I get angry at people for being who they are and being unforgiving and being self-centered. If I was truly not hypocritical, I wouldn’t do that. I would be more accepting and kind and really just more nice towards others. I’m just glad I’m aware enough to know that my opinion makes my whole post exactly what I’m trying to write about.

On that note, I know maybe 4 people in my life that are truly nice and kind towards other people, even if they have been wronged by them. These are the saints I know. Trust me, I’m not even close to being that kind of person no matter how much I’d love to be.

Anyways, back to the hypocritical people. There are people I have seen mistreated and judged and then I see those same people who have judged them doing the same types of things they are advising against. There are people who act like they know everyone and want be everyone’s friend yet I watch them fail at being someone’s friend when they needed to be there for that person. It’s ridiculous. Why is this happening? Why do people think they are allowed to be rude to others?

I am aware that I should be tactful and kind and nice to everyone. You know the saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” It’s become hard for me to do that. If someone has wronged me, I have grown tired of holding my tongue and being kind and not saying anything. It’s not that I want to spread bad things about the person but if someone asks me if I know them and I have nothing nice to say, I’ve started saying it. The sad part is whatever I have said is the truth. It’s a consistent opinion. I know that doesn’t make it okay that I say anything but I have started to hate feeling guilty for telling the truth bluntly.

A friend of mine wrote a post in Facebook where he mentioned that people have stopped taking responsibility for their own behavior. 100% true. I feel like people have started feeling like they are entitled to everything. They are allowed to treat people however they want and if they are lucky, they are always around people who are much nicer than they themselves are and who won’t say anything.

How long will this go on? When are we allowed to be honest? When are we allowed to say that we have been treated badly?

Let me make one thing clear. I have treated others badly in my past (and probably in my present). Not necessarily on purpose but it has happened. And I’d like to think that I’m a big enough of a person to have apologized for my behavior when I realize that I have hurt someone or said something I shouldn’t have. Unfortunately, most of the time, I find apologizing a one way street. I know that I do it for my inner peace but I have watched so many people just assume that that meant that they were right and that really burns me.

I realize that this post was more of a rant but I feel as though I have started getting cynical because I’ve been around people that I can respect. I see more and more of this self-centered, hypocritical behavior and it makes me wonder how we as a community are ever going to get anywhere in life.

I’m calling out all of you that have been hypocrites at some point. Recognize that you are doing more damage to our community as a whole for having double standards. Recognize that no one is entitled and that everyone needs to be kinder and more accepting of others. Recognize that we all make mistakes and nothing makes you a better or stronger person that taking responsibility for those mistakes.

I apologize for being a hypocrite by judging those who are hypocrites.