Fear

“Fear and resistance thrive when we’re avoiding work.” –¬†101 Essays that will Change the way You Think, Brianna West

I’ve been sitting in fear for a while. Somehow, I want all of these things but I’m too scared to act on them. I used to write all the time about things I saw and things I thought that needed to be discussed but sometime in the last few years, I stopped. I don’t know if it’s laziness or just this block of fear that is holding me back.

I’ve always had the belief that if you want something to change, you have to work to change it. We can’t complain about something when we don’t do anything about it. Logically, I know this but over the last year or so, I haven’t been able to move. It’s like I’m stuck in this comfort zone and while I’m unsatisfied with where I am, I haven’t done anything in my power to change it.

It takes effort and some discomfort to move past where we are stuck. I’m sitting here, typing, and a part of me is filled with anxiety because it’s been a while since I last put myself out there. I have to find a new normal to be able to write again. I can remember when writing made me feel good. Now, I feel like I’d be judged. I don’t know what shifted in my core that makes me feel that way but it’s an exploration I’ll have to go through. I’ll have to be okay with feeling uncomfortable for a while before it feels normal again.

What have you tried to include into your life that has involved shifting your normal? What new change is making you uncomfortable because the fear of change is holding you hostage?

Get It

I want to be really good at just one thing. I want to be known for at least one thing.

Let me explain to you where this came from. Everyone has their thing. I follow enough people on social media (and honestly, in real life as well, because as we all know, social media is a little bit of a fantasy world) to see who have hobbies or careers where they are living it up well. They have made something they enjoy into something that they can really live for.

I want that. And while people who know me might say that I am also doing that, it sometimes doesn’t feel like it. It could be that time just travels so slow so it’s hard to see things changing as we are going through them. And one day, I’ll wake up and realize that I have been doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. But it’s frustrating right now at this moment.

I constantly tell my kids that they have to learn patience. It seems as though I need to learn it as well.

Do any of you ever have a reaction when you think about what you want to accomplish? Lately, when I think about this one particular dream I’ve had since I was a kid, I get this immediate negative reaction where I can’t even think about it because I start getting anxious. Trying to analyze the feelings makes me anxious as well. It’s like I already want to believe I can’t achieve it. It’s a horrible way to feel. And I give my usual excuses on why I will fail at it. I don’t have enough time right now, I have other priorities, how would I even start, etc.

I want this feeling of accomplishment, like I set out to do this big thing and I did it. I’ve done it before with other dreams so there’s no reason why I can’t do it again.

What are your dreams and/or success stories? What have you accomplished that you’re super proud. Please share and let me live vicariously through you and inspired by you.

The Itch To Change

I’ve gotten comfortable. I have now fallen into my stay-at-home mom schedule with a set of responsibilities and I’ve become comfortable. My biggest challenge is literally just to find a way to get dinner done before I have to leave for the gym since the time I go is dinner time for the kids.

I know I should be proud of raising children and taking care of my family and etc etc etc. But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m meant for more.

The last time I had this feeling, I changed around my whole life. I left the relationship I was in, my job had just laid me off, and I had just finished my MBA. That’s when I met someone who became my business partner and together, we developed a really great dance show. It was great. It was exactly what I needed at the time and it brought me a sense of fulfillment and contentment.

I have that feeling again. This time, I don’t think I need to make any major changes. I love my husband and my kids and the life we have created. My husband and I have also started teaching dance as a side business and are loving it.

That itch is still there though. I’m not sure what it means or what I should also be doing. I know things I’ve dreamt of but I’m not sure which ones are meant to come true and which ones I really want to pursue. I don’t know if I have the motivation to really figure out what it is that I need. I don’t even know which ones are realistic.

Have you ever sat on the edge of something you know will change you? I don’t know how to quite describe it. I’ll know it when I see it. And afterwards, I’ll be like “Remember when I was talking about this? This is how it happened. “.

To quote The Little Mermaid “I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something is starting right now.” (It’s stuck in my head. Thank you, children of mine.)

 

Who We Are Today

Over the last few years, I haven’t written as much in this blog as I’d like to. If I’m honest, it’s probably because most of the exposure I have to the outside world is limited to my family and sometimes, I don’t want to write about the things I feel within that limitation. My original intent for this blog was to discuss things that South Asians don’t have a tendency to discuss. I’d like to try to continue that and make more of a commitment to writing regularly again.

Being surrounded by my kids most of the day means that most of my experiences are child-oriented right now. I am not the stay-at-home mom that is able to do all sorts of arts and crafts and bake and teach my children all sorts of lessons (with unending patience, I might add). I wish I was because that would give me a ton of inspiration in what I write about.

I loved writing but it’s taken a quite a back seat to the rest of my life. It scares me sometimes that I’m not experiencing the outside world the way I used to. My world view has narrowed (other than what I read in the news). So now I need to figure out what I should write about. What are things about parenthood that need to be discussed? What can I write about where the discussion can help improve and influence the lives of other South Asian people? How do I translate this new life of mine into a conversation?

This blog was started for a reason and with a purpose. I don’t want to lose that. That means I have to adapt to the change. I have to find times and ways to continue writing with a purpose.

There are always things to talk about. So let’s talk about them.

One Step

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little bit restless. I’m a stay at home mom and while I enjoy doing this, I feel like I need to be doing more. I know there is a next step to my life and I need to find it.

I’ve always feel like I could make a difference in this world but I have to find my way of doing so. The problem is finding the path that it meant for you. There are a lot of ¬†options but I want to narrow it down to something that really helps fulfill me.

It’s easy to fall into a rut. It’s easy to just go day by day and accept life as it is. I felt like I was doing that. I started to realize that I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything.

It’s not easy to take the first step into change. Now that I have, I worry. I worry about whether I’ll be able to take care of my kids. I worry about being in a different place after. I worry about if it is okay to put my needs first. I worry about failing.

But since my other alternative is feeling stuck, the first step to change is worth it. I don’t know where I’ll end up but at least I won’t regret it. I know that I’ll have tried to follow my path. And maybe this will be greater than I can even imagine right now.

So for those of you who feel the need to make a change, just start with one step in the direction you are looking towards. It might be just what it takes.

Encourage, Not Discourage

I have a friend who posted about working out on Facebook. In her comments section, there were a bunch of comments about how it was funny that she started working out or that they were waiting for her to give up.

Seriously???

Someone is trying to do something good for their own life and whether it will work out or not, why are people discouraging her? Why would you tease someone who was trying to make a positive change in their life?

I don’t know about everyone else but within the Indian community, you do see this a lot. Instead of helping people out, we tend to put people down. We don’t always support others in their dreams or goals. Even when we do seem to support someone, it’s not always real. We end up talking negatively about them behind their backs.

Why do we feel the need to put someone else down? Why is it so hard to just believe in them? Does it matter if we end up being right or wrong?

Just say that someone does quit or doesn’t achieve their goals. Does it make a difference to us? My guess is what that person will remember is your belief in them, in your support for them.

There’s no reason to discourage someone (even if you mean it jokingly). It could really hurt their feelings or prevent them from following their dreams. Even though we think that our words would not have that effect, they might.

Support. Believe. Encourage.

 

If You Aren’t Happy, Change It

We have all probably gone through a time where we felt stuck and didn’t know how to get out of it. We all know that person who complains about the same thing over and over again.

Me, personally, I didn’t necessarily complain. I just fell into a deep, dark depression while pretending everything was okay. And then, I’d explode and cry and be extremely¬†confused on what I was supposed to do. Then, I would fall back into the same cycle I was in before I exploded. It was never-ending.

After going through that a few times, I realized that nothing was going to get better just because I was dealing with something I didn’t like. Things didn’t just fix themselves. I had to fix them. I had to change something.

Change is hard to make. We all get used to the way things are or the way we think they are supposed to be. One thing we have to realize is that there is no set plan on how to deal with something. What works for one person might not work for another. We are allowed to adjust our life to make it a happier place for us to be in.

Sometimes, these changes are the biggest decisions you will ever make. One of mine was to leave the college and major I had chosen and move back home and attend a local college with a different major. It took me a year and a half and a lot of depression to figure that I was not supposed to be at that school, doing what I was doing. I have never regretted it.

So take the leap. If you are stressed about something or unhappy about something, change it. Figure out a better way to deal with it. Don’t just accept that this is the way life is and this is the only way it has to be.