Tag: past

PTSD

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I haven’t written in a while. Usually, when things are going relatively well, I don’t feel the need. I’m sure there are things I can talk about but it doesn’t seem necessary.

But recently, something happened that triggered PTSD (this is my therapist’s assessment – not mine) regarding my former relationship. I haven’t recovered after that event. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. It’s like what I went through just destroyed everything I’ve believed about myself for the last 15 years.

Most of the people who know me right now only know me as someone’s mom, involved with the community, and trying to accomplish all sorts of new challenges. What they don’t know about me is that my past has had some intense moments. Moments that demolished me as a person and required me to rebuild myself from scratch. I made decisions that caused me to have to fight for myself and my survival.

For the most part, this past has been put away. I was able to figure out who I am and move forward in life. I haven’t dwelled on the past for much.

Until something was triggered. And now I can’t stop reacting like I’m in my 20s again. I can’t see myself as the woman I’ve become in my 40s. I’ve lost the confidence and self-esteem that I’ve been relying on my the last 15 years. It’s a shock. I didn’t expect to be triggered at this point in my life. I’ve built so much and have created a life I’m proud of.

How do you climb out of this pit? I’ve done this before but it’s been so long that all of the fighting I did back then, I don’t remember how to do. I feel helpless at the bottom and like my pain and emotions are a burden on those around me. I feel like the trauma is just going to sit with me for the rest of my life.

Which really sucks. I don’t want to feel traumatized. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see myself how I used to, someone who believed that she was smart, attractive, unique. I don’t see it right now. I can’t feel it right now.

What is the solution? I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ll be walking this path. I don’t know if something will come that will resolve the trauma or if I’ll just be able to move on at some point. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to love myself again.

All I can do is hope and try to take it day by day. I can trust in the support I receive from the people who’ve been there for me. Because the one person who is constantly lying to me is myself.

When Our Past Returns

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A few days ago, I heard from someone who I hadn’t talked to in 5 years. The last conversation we had wasn’t a good one and I never expected to hear from her again. Then, all of a sudden, I received a message, wishing me a happy birthday and congratulating me on my new kid. I was in shock and I couldn’t respond for a couple of days because I needed to process. It’s interesting when that does happen. It was a really nice message and I was glad to hear from that person. 

When a relationship of any type ends, there is usually a reason for it. I know, in this case, I had hurt the person pretty badly and I didn’t know if she would ever understand the reason behind it. It took a lot for her to message me just to say as much as she did and I really respect her for it. It makes me think that maybe she finally understood why the relationship ended. 

I’ve been through this before. Just like most people, I have had falling outs with different people throughout my life, whether it was a friend or a relationship. And, in my experience, one of the two people involved, if not both, will eventually come back and show that they have put the past behind them. There have been times when we walk away from something that is not good for us personally and hope that one day, the person involved will understand the reasons we move on. 

But, when we do finally hear from whomever we have had the problems with, it still comes as a shock. We don’t expect to hear an apology, let alone good wishes from someone who we have ended on bad terms with. 

I hope that, one day, every relationship of mine that had ended badly does eventually resolve itself. I hope that we can find a way to move past our past and maybe that will lead us to making sure our current and future relationships are good. It takes a big person to be able to walk forward and I still see people who hold onto the bad even though they have a chance to move towards the good. There are people that refuse to accept an apology or find ways to see the other side’s point of view, regardless of who was right or wrong. I don’t want to be one of those people. 

I’m not saying that everyone deserves a second chance but usually, in these types of situations, it doesn’t hurt to at least try.

Sometimes, we just need our past to return to show us where we used to be and where we are now. 

Struggles

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Sometimes,  things happen that make you stop and think.  There are two ways to go with those thoughts. You can either dwell on the struggles you’ve gone through and hate the world for putting you through them or you can look at those same struggles and thank the world for putting you through them. 

I think back on just what I have gone through this past year or even the past few years and as much as it was tough at times,  there were such good things that also happened to me that I have to appreciate them.  

The tough stuff makes you stronger. It makes you realize what you are capable of handling.  It makes you realize that life will never be predictable but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.  

I can look back and worry about the future based on my past.  Or I can look back and thank God or the universe or whichever supreme being you believe in for giving me the opportunities to live.  

The Past and Its Results: Our Present

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I started reading the autobiography that my grandfather has written about his life. I’ve barely gotten to the part where he is in medical school so I definitely have a lot more left to go considering that he is 92 years old. 

I’m so amazed at what his life so far has been like. To live through all sorts of history that I’ve only heard about. And even so, growing up here in America, not really heard about as well. He survived a bombing in Rangoon, Burma (now Yangon, Myanmar) during World War II when the Japanese invaded and had to go back to India even though he had spent a lot of his childhood in Rangoon. His father actually had to walk back to India because there was no other modes of transportation that were working due to the air raids by Japan. 

I haven’t even gotten to the part where India becomes an independent country yet. I’m curious because I do know my grandparents did meet Mahatma Gandhi so I really wonder what their story is. I don’t know if they will be far-removed from everything or if they were right in the middle of what was going on. 

Last week, I wrote a post about how many parents left the country they grew up in and found themselves in a new country only for the opportunities available to them at the time. Today, I’m reading about this history that my grandfather has gone through. I’m now waiting to hopefully read about the history that my father-in-law has lived through being a member of the Indian army. 

This is what our ancestors have gone through to get to where we are today. Our problems don’t really seem as complex or terrifying as what our families have been through in the past. In fact, on the other hand, it seems like they have gone through their struggles without complaining or feeling sorry for themselves. 

It definitely puts into perspective what we go through on a daily basis. Most of us are extremely lucky wherever we are because we don’t have this struggle of survival. We have the right and the opportunity to choose what we want out of life. I’ve been reading a lot of history in general lately and it seems as though this right to make our own choices has been something most cultures have struggled with for centuries before it was given. I think some cultures are still going through this struggle now. 

Time changes things. It has happened before and it will continue to happen. Eventually, we will all have our effect on the world somehow. I think our generation will change the world in terms of social consciousness, communication, and technology. It will be a different type of change.

I look forward to contributing to it.