Tag: recognize

Raising A Child Is Hard. Figuring Yourself Out Is Even Harder.

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For some people, being a mom, especially one that doesn’t have to go to work everyday, has got to be the greatest job ever. Even though it’s hard at times, the good parts make everything else worth it. Especially after you pass the first month or two of having a new baby and get used to everything.

The mom part is definitely a challenge but the thing I’ve found even harder is becoming someone new. I’m no longer just a friend, girlfriend, wife. I’m a mom. That means that even though I had to learn compromise as a wife, I’ve had to learn compromise even more so as a mom. I no longer get to put myself first. My whole life is planned around my child. What she needs, when she needs it.

This means that I will never again be who I was. My whole definition of self has changed. And I don’t know about anything else but I’m not very good at changing. I’m struggling to reconcile the person I was before child to the person I am after child. So far, I’m not doing a very good job of it. I am trying to figure out how to evaluate my self-worth in a way that I can believe. It’s like I have to become this new person that I don’t recognize at all. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to become who I was prior to having a child.

A realization I finally came to (even though I’ve had a few friends tell me this several times) is that you don’t return to who you were prior to having a child. You have to become someone new. I don’t know if others have had a different experience but so far, I haven’t found another option.

And maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I am supposed to become this person I don’t know and don’t recognize. And like getting to know any new person, it’s going to take a while. Eventually, I hope I know this person well. I hope I know what her strengths and weaknesses are. I hope I feel comfortable enough with her that I can take her out and show her off proudly.

This new person has to learn to relate with everyone as well. I have a new relationship with my husband, my siblings, my friends, my parents. We all have to figure out what the dynamic is all over again. That has also been a struggle because this new person still has to learn how to communicate when everything has changed. This isn’t even accounting for the changes that those other people have gone through as well.

There have been a few times in my life that have really caused me to reevaluate myself and grow as a result. Here is one more time I have to do this. I just hope I can figure out who I am supposed to be and learn how to really be happy with that new person because that new person is the one who will be having relationships and really raising the child.

That new person is the one who will be teaching her children about life and showing them how to live it.

Yes, I’m Being a Hypocrite by Writing This Post

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I’ve been really pissed off lately. I was trying to figure out where all of this anger was coming from and I realized that a lot of it is watching the hypocritical behavior in others.

I want to be completely honest. I’m a hypocrite too. Especially for writing this particular entry. How can I judge someone else being hypocritical when this entire post is about not judging and not being hypocritical? I get angry at people for being who they are and being unforgiving and being self-centered. If I was truly not hypocritical, I wouldn’t do that. I would be more accepting and kind and really just more nice towards others. I’m just glad I’m aware enough to know that my opinion makes my whole post exactly what I’m trying to write about.

On that note, I know maybe 4 people in my life that are truly nice and kind towards other people, even if they have been wronged by them. These are the saints I know. Trust me, I’m not even close to being that kind of person no matter how much I’d love to be.

Anyways, back to the hypocritical people. There are people I have seen mistreated and judged and then I see those same people who have judged them doing the same types of things they are advising against. There are people who act like they know everyone and want be everyone’s friend yet I watch them fail at being someone’s friend when they needed to be there for that person. It’s ridiculous. Why is this happening? Why do people think they are allowed to be rude to others?

I am aware that I should be tactful and kind and nice to everyone. You know the saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” It’s become hard for me to do that. If someone has wronged me, I have grown tired of holding my tongue and being kind and not saying anything. It’s not that I want to spread bad things about the person but if someone asks me if I know them and I have nothing nice to say, I’ve started saying it. The sad part is whatever I have said is the truth. It’s a consistent opinion. I know that doesn’t make it okay that I say anything but I have started to hate feeling guilty for telling the truth bluntly.

A friend of mine wrote a post in Facebook where he mentioned that people have stopped taking responsibility for their own behavior. 100% true. I feel like people have started feeling like they are entitled to everything. They are allowed to treat people however they want and if they are lucky, they are always around people who are much nicer than they themselves are and who won’t say anything.

How long will this go on? When are we allowed to be honest? When are we allowed to say that we have been treated badly?

Let me make one thing clear. I have treated others badly in my past (and probably in my present). Not necessarily on purpose but it has happened. And I’d like to think that I’m a big enough of a person to have apologized for my behavior when I realize that I have hurt someone or said something I shouldn’t have. Unfortunately, most of the time, I find apologizing a one way street. I know that I do it for my inner peace but I have watched so many people just assume that that meant that they were right and that really burns me.

I realize that this post was more of a rant but I feel as though I have started getting cynical because I’ve been around people that I can respect. I see more and more of this self-centered, hypocritical behavior and it makes me wonder how we as a community are ever going to get anywhere in life.

I’m calling out all of you that have been hypocrites at some point. Recognize that you are doing more damage to our community as a whole for having double standards. Recognize that no one is entitled and that everyone needs to be kinder and more accepting of others. Recognize that we all make mistakes and nothing makes you a better or stronger person that taking responsibility for those mistakes.

I apologize for being a hypocrite by judging those who are hypocrites.

I Don’t Recognize This Place

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There are days when I can look at old pictures from Facebook and wonder about how people I know got from where they were to where they are now. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have recognized who I am now even 5 years ago. Maybe I would have but maybe my life is so completely different that people I knew then wouldn’t understand me now. I see pictures of friends and really do wonder if I would have even liked them back 5-10 years ago or if it’s who they are now that I really like. 

You know what else I find interesting? It’s when I see people who haven’t changed at all. Most of the people I am friends with now are in their late 20s to their early 30s. I’d like to think most of us have grown up and moved on from those crazy party days. There were days I could go through a weekend going out, having dance practices, and minimal sleep for about 3 days in a row. The thought of that now makes me nauseous from a purely “I can’t handle that anymore” point of view. But there are people who are still doing it. And that’s fine in the sense that that’s what they want to do in their life at this point. More power to them. I just know that after one crazy night, I’m in recovery mode for like a week. 

Have you ever thought back and can pinpoint that one decision that changed the way your life path was going? It’s hard to recognize the life changing ones when you make them (most of the time) until a while later when you look back and realized how you got to the place you are at now. There are friendships that have changed or careers that are not what you started with. 

When I was younger and I couldn’t always keep up with the people partying, I used to look at myself and try to figure out what was wrong with me or how come I am not cooler. I finally got to a point where I can accept some of those for what they are and I’m okay that I don’t always match up to everyone else. I still see those people around and I am okay with the place that I am in my life now even though it might look less exciting than other people’s lives. The harder part for me even now is when I know I’m on the life path working toward something without knowing what and just trusting that one day I’ll understand. Experience has taught me that I will understand someday but I can definitely feel that I’m working my way towards something somewhere. I’m in change mode again but not sure where that will lead. 

Life is an interesting path. One day, I hope to be able to write it all down or do a photo journal and look proudly over what I’ve accomplished and remember all the experiences.