The Internal Struggle of Loving Yourself

Have you ever struggled with yourself? Maybe constantly battling with feeling valid or just a whole lot less invisible?

This internal battle is no joke. Loving yourself isn’t easy.

It’s easy to be numb and go through your day every day and not realize that something isn’t feeling right. It’s not easy to realize that you are numb and how can you find a way to feel again? Even better, how can you feel good about yourself again?

I don’t like who I have become. I’m doing my best as a mother, wife, business owner, and dancer. But I’m not doing my best as me. That’s probably because I’m so focused on doing well on everything else, I haven’t found the time for me to know myself anymore.

Life changes so fast that if you don’t actively keep up with yourself, you are easy to lose. All of a sudden, I don’t know who I am anymore. I know my labels. But who am I? The person I can see at the moment, I don’t like very much.

I know that I have to look inwards and figure out what makes me happy internally. I have to figure out how to move myself past this phase. If I’m internally happy, I can be a better mother, wife, business owner, and dancer.

It’s work and it’s tiring on top of everything else. But honestly, I don’t want to be miserable. I want to love myself. Because it’ll make it that much easier to accept the love that everyone else wants to share with me.

Are You Really Happy Or Just Happy On Facebook?

A few years ago, I wrote a post about “My Perfect Facebook Life“. I actually had to take a break from Facebook for a few months because seeing other people’s lives looking so perfect and amazing all the time made me feel like I was missing something.

Out of curiosity, when you take a look at other people’s posts on Facebook, does it feel like everyone is out living life and you’re sitting wherever you are looking at them live their lives? Even their food for dinner seems more exciting than whatever you’re doing. It’s like, all of a sudden, you realize that there is this great, big world and you aren’t everywhere. I have fomo enough without needing to be reminded where and when I was or was not invited somewhere or if I missed an event. Knowing what happens elsewhere without me really does mess with my mind.

So how do you get past it? Can you look at other people’s lives and just see it as their experiences and enjoy your own experiences for what they are?

Do you sometimes feel like it’s a competition to make your life seem like it’s the most interesting one? Or to show that we’re the most loved or that we have the most friends? Or are people really just innocently wanting to share their lives and it’s just crazy people like me that feel this way?

Are people really that happy all the time? If it’s so, I think it’s great and I want to know that person’s secret. If it’s not, are we lying to the world by only showing the good stuff or are we just presenting what we should because it doesn’t make sense to share all the crap? Do I look like one of those super happy people or like I live in reality (assuming my reality isn’t super happy all the time)?

I think I just need to find a way to deal with Facebook and the way it is.

How about you?

A Letter To My Child

To my baby,

I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Your father and I had to go through a lot before you came but you’re here now. Our perfect little baby.

I finally know what it means to watch my heart walking around outside of my body. The first week or so, one of us had to stay awake while you slept because we wanted to make sure you were okay.  I didn’t know then what I know now,  that you are tougher than you look. But I still always worry when you’re not smiling at me. I still wake up at least 3 times a night to make sure you’re doing fine.

It’s been tough.  We are learning each other and teaching each other at the same time. There are days I’m completely frustrated and exhausted but then, you do something new that I’ve never seen before and forget everything and am in awe again.

I love to fact that you do smile at me now. It feels like you know who I am, even though I’m not sure if you do. I can’t wait to share more with you. I want to laugh with you, dance with you, live with you. I want to teach you everything I’ve learned so you don’t make the same mistakes. I want you to see the world in the best light possible. I want you to always be happy.

I can’t believe I’m writing this letter to you. I hope you get to read it some day. For now, I’ll settle for you being the love of my life. Thank you for coming to us.

How Do You Break Out of That Funk?

Yesterday, I had a friend text me. She was going through something I have way too much experience with. There is a point where you feel like you’re alone and nothing is going right and you have no idea how to get out of it. It’s a hard feeling to break out of and it definitely takes a lot strength to do it. 

When it feels like you aren’t headed anywhere and that no one understands you, it’s important to try to remember that this is how you feel in the moment. It will pass. As someone once told me “it will get better”. Then, it’s good to distract yourself with something that will at least temporarily alleviate that feeling. A few things that work for me are reading through inspirational stories on a few websites (makesmethink.com, The Secret website), communicating with people, and some sort of exercise. Trying to picture my future,writing, and making gratitude lists also help a lot. 

Emotions often cloud our common sense. And while it’s definitely a good thing to be in touch with what you are feeling (it’s what makes us human), it does help to put things into perspective where you know that this is something temporary. I really respect those that are eternally optimistic. It must be amazing to always have hope and feel that way. I also know that I am not that person. I have the days where I can’t imagine that anything is going to get better. It’s hard because my logical brain tells me things have already gotten better for me. I just need to recognize and appreciate them. 

Yesterday, I made a wish. I wished that I could appreciate all the positive things in my life. And that’s my goal. There are things that could improve but there are so many things that are already the best they could be. I have to trust that the things that need improvement will get better because I want them to, because I work hard at appreciating everything else. 

Getting out of that funk isn’t going to happen because the world owes you something. Getting out of it is going to happen because you owe it to yourself. Enjoying life is something we should do seeing as we only have one (unless you’re Hindu and reincarnate). So try to enjoy the little things today. Try to see the good in the madness of this world. And share it with the person next to you. Sometimes, all it takes to change gears, is someone acknowledging that you’re there.