The Internal Struggle of Loving Yourself

Have you ever struggled with yourself? Maybe constantly battling with feeling valid or just a whole lot less invisible?

This internal battle is no joke. Loving yourself isn’t easy.

It’s easy to be numb and go through your day every day and not realize that something isn’t feeling right. It’s not easy to realize that you are numb and how can you find a way to feel again? Even better, how can you feel good about yourself again?

I don’t like who I have become. I’m doing my best as a mother, wife, business owner, and dancer. But I’m not doing my best as me. That’s probably because I’m so focused on doing well on everything else, I haven’t found the time for me to know myself anymore.

Life changes so fast that if you don’t actively keep up with yourself, you are easy to lose. All of a sudden, I don’t know who I am anymore. I know my labels. But who am I? The person I can see at the moment, I don’t like very much.

I know that I have to look inwards and figure out what makes me happy internally. I have to figure out how to move myself past this phase. If I’m internally happy, I can be a better mother, wife, business owner, and dancer.

It’s work and it’s tiring on top of everything else. But honestly, I don’t want to be miserable. I want to love myself. Because it’ll make it that much easier to accept the love that everyone else wants to share with me.

Do You Want Something In Your Life To Change? Then, Change It!

Sometimes, when you aren’t looking, everything just seems to fall into place. All of a sudden, things seem to make sense again. How? Where? When? What happened when you weren’t paying attention?

Life works like that. Struggles happen and we wonder why is this happening to us. We don’t understand when everything will come together and we can look back and really understand why certain things happened the way they did. In the process, we sometimes have a hard time remembering who we are as well.

Everything is a step to something else. I find it easier to accept the things that are difficult if I can believe that it will help me move toward something better.

I also find it easier to deal with these times of struggle when I’m actively trying to do something to change my situation. It’s so easy to fall into the mode of “nothing is ever going to change” or “nothing is ever going to get better” and then sit around and hope something will make you feel better about your life. It doesn’t work that way. If you’re lucky, some opportunity will fall into your lap. But most of us have to work for it.

If you find yourself in a spot where you want things to get better or be different than what they are, find a way to change them. Step out of your box and towards something new. Be an active participant in the changed you want to see in your life. I know you’re thinking “well, easier said than done”. Actually, I’ve tried to change my life and I’ve seen plenty of people who also have made an effort to change theirs. And, all of a sudden, I find myself in a whole new place than I was before. Things look better than they did before. Opportunities arise that you would have never expected.

Give yourself a chance to really find what you’re looking for in life. Even if you don’t have a clear picture of what would make you happier, try to find something small that you know would make your day better than it was. Every time you take a step forward, you’re creating change in your life.

Eventually, you will look around and realize that everything is right where it’s supposed to be.

Raising A Child Is Hard. Figuring Yourself Out Is Even Harder.

For some people, being a mom, especially one that doesn’t have to go to work everyday, has got to be the greatest job ever. Even though it’s hard at times, the good parts make everything else worth it. Especially after you pass the first month or two of having a new baby and get used to everything.

The mom part is definitely a challenge but the thing I’ve found even harder is becoming someone new. I’m no longer just a friend, girlfriend, wife. I’m a mom. That means that even though I had to learn compromise as a wife, I’ve had to learn compromise even more so as a mom. I no longer get to put myself first. My whole life is planned around my child. What she needs, when she needs it.

This means that I will never again be who I was. My whole definition of self has changed. And I don’t know about anything else but I’m not very good at changing. I’m struggling to reconcile the person I was before child to the person I am after child. So far, I’m not doing a very good job of it. I am trying to figure out how to evaluate my self-worth in a way that I can believe. It’s like I have to become this new person that I don’t recognize at all. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to become who I was prior to having a child.

A realization I finally came to (even though I’ve had a few friends tell me this several times) is that you don’t return to who you were prior to having a child. You have to become someone new. I don’t know if others have had a different experience but so far, I haven’t found another option.

And maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I am supposed to become this person I don’t know and don’t recognize. And like getting to know any new person, it’s going to take a while. Eventually, I hope I know this person well. I hope I know what her strengths and weaknesses are. I hope I feel comfortable enough with her that I can take her out and show her off proudly.

This new person has to learn to relate with everyone as well. I have a new relationship with my husband, my siblings, my friends, my parents. We all have to figure out what the dynamic is all over again. That has also been a struggle because this new person still has to learn how to communicate when everything has changed. This isn’t even accounting for the changes that those other people have gone through as well.

There have been a few times in my life that have really caused me to reevaluate myself and grow as a result. Here is one more time I have to do this. I just hope I can figure out who I am supposed to be and learn how to really be happy with that new person because that new person is the one who will be having relationships and really raising the child.

That new person is the one who will be teaching her children about life and showing them how to live it.

The Power Struggle

We live in a world of competition. From the time we are born, it’s all about where we fall compared to everyone else. It’s about how to get ahead and who earns more money and who gets the most credit in life.

But does that make us happy?

Whenever I have been in a power struggle or a competition, I feel miserable. I feel like I’m forcing myself to be someone I’m not. I like doing my best but because I want to and not because I feel like I have to prove something to others.

In the business world, it seems as though in order to succeed, you have to be in full control of everything. You can’t share information and you can’t be open and honest to move forward. I’m hoping this isn’t true because then, things becomes about the individual and not the company as a whole. I think the same thing applies for individuals and the community. The more we try to keep control over certain things, the more we hold back from growing something incredible. We have to trust that our belief and hard work will be noticed and understood.

I wonder if this power struggle comes from insecurity. Is it that we want to know for a fact that we have done something or achieved something? Is it that we need validation that we are important and mean something to someone somewhere? What makes us need such complete control over everything?

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of fighting for a place. I just want to do what I have a passion for and do my best at it. And if I’m lucky enough, it will make a difference in the world.

 

Following The Path We Are Meant To

I had a conversation with a friend of mine after I had finished ranting yesterday. She is this amazing person who has changed her life to really follow her dreams and passions. She has found a way to see things with in a positive light no matter what happens. I messaged her yesterday with the hopes of finding the same type of peace I see in her. 

The discussion was interesting. It was about following the path we are meant to take. It revolved around the fact that we have these expectations that we set up for ourselves and when life doesn’t follow and achieve that expectation, we take it hard. We wonder why things aren’t working. 

I believe I honestly feel this intense struggle inside myself. I find that as soon as I make a decision that I’ve not been wanting to make because it’s a big risk or uncharted territory, I feel relieved. I feel like things make sense even if they are scary. 

Following the path we are meant to take means that we accept what life hands us and find a way to believe it will all turn out well. Acceptance will help us be at peace with our struggles and with ourselves. It will help us find a way to really be happy. 

Changing your thoughts and mindset is a big challenge. I have a tendency towards the negative. It’s something I will struggle with all of my life. It takes a lot of active thinking to really adjust my mind so I see the positive instead. 

But I want to see the world as a beautiful place. So I will learn. 

I Have Insecurities…Do You?

I know this is something none of us want to admit in public but most of us have insecurities. We put up this front, this cover so that no one will ever see the madness or the struggles that happen inside of our heads. 

I know I definitely do this. It’s surprising to me when I hear that people tell me that I seem so strong and confident because I know that on the inside, I feel anything but. 

Everyone goes through this. Again, I think it’s something we don’t talk about. There are very few people who don’t feel insecurity at some point. If you don’t, I’d love to know your secret so I can be in the same place. 

A lot of us feel it with regards to our significant other. How can we guarantee that that person will always love us unconditionally? A lot of us feel it about our careers, our friends, our place in the world. There are so many aspects and to always be sure of yourself in this ever-changing world is difficult. 

I think a sign of security is when you know and understand that things will change and are able to accept it. We can’t control much in the world but we can control our reactions and our strength to deal with it. I have to remind myself all of the time that I have been through a lot of hard times and somehow, I keep going. And even though it doesn’t always feel like it, things have come out for the better. 

At this moment, I am going through a lot of insecurity due to a lot of transitional phases in my life happening all at once. But I just keep thinking that eventually, it will all make sense and I will feel that I am right where I am supposed to be. That’s where I always was. 

Financial Stability or Passion? Can I Have Both?

For most of us, our careers are based on what we might be good at and financial stability. We choose them when we are really young and just keep working away until we get to a point where it’s comfortable. We work, we work, we work, and all of a sudden, we’ve been doing this job for over 30 years. We achieved what we wanted. Financial stability. So my question is where do our passions fall into all of this?

I don’t know about you but mine are side projects.  I make time outside of my regular work to do things I enjoy like writing in this blog. I couldn’t do them full-time though. What if I can’t achieve financial stability? What if the whole thing is a struggle? There is a quote that says “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” I’ve constantly been on the search for that my whole life. I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. 

I really admire those people who manage to turn their passion into a full-time business without letting it feel like a business. My other big fear with turning a passion into full-time work is that what if I start resenting it? What if the business aspect kills it for me? 

Passion. It’s part of what makes life worth living and helps you enjoy every day. It brings people together to achieve common goals. So how does a person take that step towards something that they are passionate about that won’t guarantee financial stability? The people that can do this are amazing. They don’t seem to have any fear. They make it work. And they have enough drive and ambition that leads them to success. 

Why is it so hard for some of us to take that step? We burn out so we can have both financial stability and passion instead of really finding something we want to do and figuring out how to achieve financial stability through that. We get to a point where we don’t want to do anything because we’ve worked so hard at everything. There has to be a balance. There has to be a way to achieve both at once. 

The question is how do we make it happen?