I wrote recently about my PTSD with my past relationship. I wanted to talk about something else it triggered it me that I’ve been having a hard time fighting. Unfortunately, there are a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming days but today, this is the topic.

Feeling less than. When the PTSD hit, it triggered how I felt in that time frame. I had always felt like I wasn’t good enough, how no matter how pretty I was, how thin I was, how many cool things I did, I would never be good enough. My self-worth had dwindled down to nothing. I would try to change who I was constantly to feel like my ex found value in me, that he found me worthy to love. It took me a few years of therapy and fighting back to really find myself and love myself for who I was.

In the last 15 years, it’s been okay. I have had ups and downs but I usually can come back to myself even through all the hard stuff. I haven’t really questioned that I’m good enough. I had made it a core belief.

But this time, this knocked me for a loop. It wiped my feet out from under me. And for the past few months, I have no idea who I am. When I look at myself, I don’t see myself at all. Everything I’ve ever done feels like it doesn’t matter.

I know I’m unconditionally loved. It’s one of the best parts of having kids. They love you no matter what you’re going through. I’m still doing all the things I have in the past so I can’t figure out the reason I’m still feeling like this other than the trigger was unresolved and the trauma is still hitting me constantly.

I’m battling to feel my self-worth again. Every day is a struggle. There are just as many bad days as good. I’m terrified daily that I’ll sink back down even when I’ve fought my way up. Every day, I’m pushing to feel okay. And a lot of times, I do succeed. The times I don’t are hard.

I’m writing about this, not to only share what I’ve been dealing with, but also to share it so if anyone else has these struggles, know that you aren’t alone. A lot of us fight these battles constantly even if we don’t show it. I’ve been turning to more therapy, more meditation (which is hard in itself), and my community. I’ve created groups where I can be vulnerable but I forget to turn to them when I really need to. But that discussion will be a separate post.

The question becomes how do we survive this other than fighting for ourselves daily? Will it ever get better? Who do we depend on when you are not strong enough to depend on yourself?