Emotional Abuse….Let’s Talk About It

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Emotional abuse. Does that phrase even have meaning in the Indian culture? 

“Emotional abuse is a form of assault that is deliberate and manipulative and used as a method of control.” We know what this one means. It means that someone is abusive through their words or how they say something. 

I got the following list from this link: http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html

“A few indicators of emotional abuse might include the following:

  • The behavior in question doesn’t stop or even pause when the recipient begins crying or asks for time to cool down. In fact, abuse may escalate as the abused person becomes more and more vulnerable, demeaned, afraid, and upset
  • The behavior is frequent – several times a week or month, as opposed to very rare (once every few years, for instance.)
  • Vulgar language, completely baseless accusations
  • Insulting or demeaning words in front of other people
  • “Arguments” are very one-sided; one person does all the talking, never listening, and is not kind to the other.
  • Threats of violence
  • Blatant cruelty
  • The abuser does not apologize
  • The abuser will not recognize the validity of anything his or her victim says”

I want to talk about this last one. This is the one that really affected my life. Obviously, there are many forms of emotional abuse as mentioned above but I think this last one is one that is so subtle sometimes that it’s not recognized as emotional abuse as often as it should be. 

Have you ever said something to someone about how you’re feeling only to have them tell you that it’s your fault for feeling that way? Or they will tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong and you should feel this way instead?

Our feelings are our own. No one has the right to tell us that what we are feeling is wrong. No one has the right to make us feel bad about what we feel. No one has the right to make themselves more important than your feelings. 

I’ve noticed two types of people (I’m sure there are more but these are the two that I have come across). The first type believes that what they think or say or feel is right and there really isn’t any other way. There is only a right way and a wrong way. The second type understands that there are many types of people in the world and every single one of them is going to have their own thoughts and own opinions and sometimes, we have to be able to see something from someone else’s point of view. 

I’ve found the first type of person to be the type that tends to disregard something someone else says if it doesn’t agree with their own view. This is the person that will ignore the feelings of someone else if it doesn’t align with what they think. 

Invalidation of feelings leads to other issues. You start questioning yourself and your thoughts. You start thinking that maybe your feelings are wrong and that you should be reacting a different way. You lose trust in yourself and who you are as a person. You become a victim. 

That sounds like emotional abuse to me. 

I think this is an issue in the Indian culture that has been left unaddressed so far. We are just starting to understand that there are ideas beyond duty and responsibility. We’ve stumbled on freedom and happiness. I think it’ll be a while before we fully get to giving the problems of emotional abuse the attention they deserve. 

If you or someone you know is dealing with emotional abuse, please ask someone for help. Most people are ready to help you. Most people will help you get into a better situation than the one you are in. Just take the first step and ask. 

Mama’s Boys

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Yes, you know you know them. Yes, you know you might be one of them. 

Let’s get something straight right off the bat. When I say mama’s boy, I don’t mean someone who cares for his parents. I don’t mean someone who wants to spend time with his parents. I’m not even talking about someone who really goes out of his way to make sure that his parents are taken care of. My family has a pretty tight bond and knowing that these are the people who will always be there for you is a great feeling. 

I’m talking about that guy who really can’t function without his mother. And no, I don’t mean when he is 2 years old. I mean when he is 32 years old. I’m talking about the guy who can’t make a decision about his own life without consulting his parents. It’s one thing to have their blessing or advice. It’s another thing to ask your mom for everything you need on a daily basis. 

And this seems so much more prevalent (well, maybe, at least to me) in the Indian community. You get that guy that wants to date you. Well, until he finds out that his parents are never going to like you because of a multitude of reasons: different caste, family background, different religion, age difference, not pretty enough, not thin enough, etc, etc, etc. Then, what? Will he fight for you or will he let you go? Will he have the strength to really stand up to his parents if he knows they are wrong in their decision or will he let them make the last call? 

Again, this is based on the idea that the girl chosen is someone good. It’s based on the fact that there is real love between the couple. I know this is another discussion but just to assert my thoughts on this, I think honesty will come from your friends and siblings. If they like who you are with and will stand by you, then maybe it’s time to stand up to your parents. 

Anyways, back to the idea of the mama’s boy. This is the guy who will still run to his mother if he needs something instead of his wife, even though his wife can probably take care of whatever it is. 

My mom has a theory about these guys. As the women in our culture get more and more educated, they are opting not to marry guys that aren’t independent minded. The problem is that they haven’t had a need to change. If someone took care of me all the time, why would I want to grow up? The women, though, have decided that instead of depending on someone to take care of them, they will go out and make a career for themselves and give themselves options. And they won’t settle for someone just to be married. So where does that leave these guys? 

I’d like to believe it’s changing. I see more and more guys who really have started becoming more independent in their thoughts and actions. There are always going to be those that will marry someone just to fill a void. I know guys who have done that. But, I believe there are now guys who have started really understanding what a relationship is. The relationship isn’t just a duty but something that both partners have to work on. 

I have hope for the mama’s boys. I hope that they will learn that the world is changing and what used to work for centuries won’t work as much anymore. And, in the meantime, to those women who have children, please remember to raise them as the man you have or would have liked to have married. 

Preconceived Notions

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I met someone who married someone I knew and she moved to LA to be with her husband. I thought it was possible that I met a new friend. I invited her a few times to hang out and get to know some of my friends (who I’d like to think are pretty cool).

She wasn’t able to make it out any of those times which was fine. But then, I had a conversation with her that really upset me. She basically said that all people in LA are fake and there aren’t like the people where she was from.

First of all, I’d like to believe that not all people in LA are fake. Yes, I think there are a lot of fake people. I think there are a lot of people who try way too hard to impress others. But, I know for a fact that there are genuine, down-to-earth people who really care about others in LA as well.

It disturbed me that she took a bias and held it against the general public that makes up LA. I’m sure that people are different than where she was from. And I know that moving from one place to another, especially when you’re leaving your family and friends behind for the unknown is difficult. I really don’t like generalizations though. Especially negative generalizations. I wish that that girl had taken the time to get to know a few people before she assumed. It’s always possible that she just hadn’t met the people she would click with. LA is a big city. It takes time to figure out who you are in a place like this.

It basically goes back to the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Don’t judge this city by its stereotype. There are those of us who aren’t fake. There are those of us who really try to be genuine and be honest with people.

Give it a chance. Otherwise, I’d say you will be surrounded by fake people for life.

Egos

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We’re all just normal people, right? We live our every day lives and do our every day things. Until we have a big idea and do something that positively affects the lives of many around us.

The ego is an interesting thing. I’m not talking in the psychological sense. I’m talking in the sense of when people have a big ego. Trust me, it’s not hard to get when people admire or appreciate you for doing something. From what I’ve seen, it is more difficult to stay grounded when things really happen for you.

Granted, that whatever you accomplished probably took a lot of determination and hard work. The achievement was probably well-deserved. So what happens when you start developing an ego about it?

I know people who are some of the best at what they do and are completely grounded. I know people who have worked for where they are now and somehow believe that this allows them to treat others like they are less. So it goes both ways.

I think the thing to remember is that everything passes. If you’ve achieved something, that achievement will eventually be yesterday’s news. Everything moves forward, everything keeps growing and changing. How long can you sit on that one achievement and expect to be admired for it?

I see people my age who keep trying to keep the limelight on themselves. It’s almost like the only thing they are trying to do now is feed their own ego. It’s sad that they aren’t even considering the side effects of this need. When I say side effects, I mean the fact that I’ve seen these same people walk over, take advantage, and really disregard the feelings of others. People get hurt in the process and these egotistical people do not take any responsibility for it.

I do believe that what goes around comes around. I think that if you have an honest heart and mind, that will show itself back to you somehow. You will get the respect and admiration you deserve. So keep doing what to do and know that it will pay off in the end.

“Stuff”

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Yesterday, we talked about the way Indian women can be treated by men. Actually, this probably ranges past just Indian women to all women in general. The question that was brought up in the discussion after that post was what about the women that stay in a relationship even though they are strong and independent and have a good support system through their friends and family. Why do these women stay in these relationships where they have to deal with their significant other not treating them in the best way possible? Is it just love?

I think I need to explain my definition of love before I talk about if it’s love or not. I think love is a mutual respect for each other. It’s a friendship. It’s putting someone before yourself and understanding when they need to put themselves before you. It’s being there in the good times and bad. It’s really understanding them.

So, I think that a woman putting up with “stuff” from her significant other is not love. I think there’s something else wrong with that statement too. I think if you are in a really loving mature relationship, you are not “putting up” with your significant other. You are there because you want to be there. You have fun with that person and the relationship affects you in a positive way.

My primary concern would be the dealbreakers. If there are certain things that you cannot accept in a relationship, then that is a dealbreaker. You should not be in a relationship with that person. There are universal dealbreakers such as physical and emotional abuse. Then, there are personal ones that have more to do with your experiences and what you want. Everyone’s personal dealbreakers are different. And we can’t judge someone else based on that. What bothers me might not bother you.

So part of the question was if the man isn’t making an effort to be with the woman in the way she wants, why does she still hang around him? Why hasn’t she moved on? They aren’t together, they aren’t apart.

It’s complicated. We all have our weaknesses. And a lot of times, someone we have loved at one point or another is a weakness. It’s hard to get over them. It’s hard to just move on. We know the relationship is not good for us but we really want that person in our life.

It takes strength. It takes a lot of willpower. It really is about recognizing what is good for you as the woman personally and trying to make it a reality. You can’t look backwards and forwards at the same time. And only by closing that door can we open the opportunity for someone who is a positive influence for us and truly can make us happy.

Culture and Women

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I had to deal with someone a few days ago that ended up sending me a very demeaning email. I’m not sure what this person’s perspective was for writing it other than his ego was hurt. After talking to a few people about it, the general consensus was that he had a hard time with women who were in a position of authority over him. Now, this person wasn’t the same culture as I am but he was from another culture with a similar background. 

I wanted to touch on this for a second because I still see this. I can see where the women are treated as an accessory and not as a partner. 

I went to an engagement party quite a few months ago. It was interesting because all the men that I saw left their wives by themselves and hung out with their friends and you didn’t really see them talk more than the required amount of social interaction. I remember specifically that one of the wives was talking to me and said “I lose my husband to his boys at these events”. And then she watched my husband come over and check on me and be with me whenever he wasn’t required somewhere else. I felt bad for her. It must suck to feel like you’re not important enough for your husband to pay attention to you at all when you’re at a public event. I understand that some couples have their understanding and that’s how they are but I saw the look on this girl’s face (a really nice girl, by the way, since she really did make me feel welcome as an outsider) when my husband didn’t abandon me. 

One time, my sisters and I had an Indian astrologer tell us if we had been men, we would have ruled the world. I don’t know what he was thinking but I wasn’t planning on my gender dictate what I did with my life. 

So what is this about? Why aren’t women considered equals? The guy from my first example called me stupid in the email. On one hand, he said that I was trying to control everything and, on the other hand, I wasn’t smart enough. 

I’m not going to lie. It’s nice to be taken care of. But it’s also nice to know that you don’t have to ask anyone for permission to do something, to spend something. The women I am lucky to be friends with are strong and independent and really know how to handle the world. They haven’t taken their gender into consideration for anything they have wanted to do. 

My personal opinion is that the weakest guys are the ones who need to keep women weaker than them. If a man is strong, he isn’t intimidated by a strong woman. Instead, he finds that this person matches him in everything and really knows how to use this to progress in life. 

To all my strong, independent women out there. Don’t ever let someone else tell you who you are. 

Changes continued…..

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I don’t have it in me to write today. Just overall tired from life and daily stresses. Tired of long task lists and deadlines to get them all done in.

Sometimes, I wish we had summer vacations again. Some time where we didn’t have responsibilities. Some time to really just do what we want, no matter how productive or unproductive the activities we choose are. Am I the only person who really feels like laziness sometimes is a good thing?

We rush through life, trying to get check marks on all of our tasks, and we forget that this is the only life we have. We can either go through everything and have a big check as the final result or we could potentially learn how to enjoy our life so that the final result is a jumble of good memories.

Even though I can’t always practice what I preach, I really would like to focus more on slowing down life so that every moment is really appreciated for what it is.

So, today, I don’t have any great insight for you. I just want to say that I will try to enjoy today and I hope the rest of you have a good day as well.

Crazy People

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What to do you do when you are faced with someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you? What do you do when you end up dealing with someone that not only argues with you but doesn’t respond to logic as most people know it?

I had the great fortune to recently deal with someone like this. And it makes me mad. It makes me mad that I can discuss and discuss and eventually, argue,  and this person won’t respond the way I want them too or even the way that most of society would understand. And then, on top if it, they can say whatever they want to me and I have to let it go because it won’t be productive even if I respond.

What do you do? What can you do?

What I’ve learned is that people that are crazy are just that. Crazy. Unfortunately, we don’t always know their background or their circumstances so it’s hard to say why they are like that. I’m assuming there is a reason for it somewhere in their past or present. We don’t always get to know why. The best thing we can do is to distance ourselves from those people and hope that we can keep our sanity. We can only try to be the better person and do what’s right for us.

I’ve been in that countless cycle of arguments trying to solve something when both sides have different types of reasoning methods. It doesn’t work. Sometimes, removing yourself from the situation or if you have to be in that situation, just being civil and leaving it at that, is the best way to solve the problem.

There will always be people that we all encounter that are hard for us to deal with. We have to find a way to deal with it and find our peace with the situation.

It’s All Fake

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So when you go out to a social event, do you see the people that you never talk to other than at that type of event? Do you go up to them, say hi, make small talk, only to go home and not talk to them again until the next social event? My question is why. I’m wondering why people make that effort if we, in reality, are not impressed or don’t make a connection to the person we are talking to. If no further effort is going to be made, then why spend any time at all bothering to say hi? I’m not talking about the people who you potentially might start a friendship with. I’m talking about those people who have met you again and again and again and nothing changes.

Or is this just a step in the social ladder?

What about those people you just don’t like? There doesn’t have to be a specific reason but sometimes, there are people that have some sort of personality difference that you don’t get along with. Do we have to pretend to like them?

I can’t. I just can’t fake it. I don’t have the energy to pretend to be nice to someone I don’t respect or don’t like. Usually, when this happens, it’s after a few opportunities to try to at least be civil acquaintances. If that effort doesn’t work, then I usually end up ignoring the person or just saying a quick hi and not bothering with the small talk. I don’t try to be rude.

Does this make me a bad person or just honest? At least, people will know where they stand with me. What would you do?

Changes

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I made the decision to quit my job and venture out on my own. So, during the time I am training my replacement, my posts will be a little bit more inconsistent. I’m excited about this new adventure and looking forward to a new chapter in my life.

I am hoping to use this time to instigate some discussion from those of you that read this blog.

Today, I want to find out what is the greatest risk you took and how it paid off. It’ll be an inspiration for me as I move forward.