Marriage Is No Joke…But It Should Still Be Fun

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Who says that marriage has to become boring or redundant after some time? As my cousin once said “It’s like having a slumber party every day.”

Now, let’s get something straight. Marriage isn’t easy. Relationships in general aren’t. They take work, compromise, and really learning how to take into consideration someone else’s needs and wants, their happiness. Entering a marriage should take some thought. Obviously, there is no way that we could ever know if something is going to work out one way or another. Knowing if something is right for you, if someone is right for you is a learning process.

Someone once asked me about my relationship and what I think is the most important thing about it. I told that person that in my opinion, in my life, the answer would be friendship. I think that being friends is the most important thing that holds my relationship together.

If you think about it, your friends are the people that know you best, that you know will understand you beyond anything, and that you can be silly with and not worry about what they think after. So why wouldn’t you want that in a relationship?

All my life, I’ve been operating under the labels of geek, nerd, dork. I’ve been known to have a very corny sense of humor that if you’re way too cool for me, you won’t understand. But, for once, I have found someone who matches those personality aspects on every level. And we laugh a lot while being ourselves.

Being able to experience life with someone who really can enjoy the same things beyond a basic interest level is an amazing feeling. Having common interests is great but it’s really the little underlying things that make it fun to be in the relationship.

Yes, relationships take work. They require time and effort. But, if you can enjoy it, then hopefully, it doesn’t seem like it takes as much work as you would imagine. If you find yourself complaining about the relationship more than just having fun, then my guess is there is something that needs to be examined. And I know I have spoken about this before but the idea of your significant other being a drag just doesn’t make sense to me. We aren’t in an era when we are with someone out of duty. Most of us are in it out of love. So then, why wouldn’t being with someone you love be fun?

So, before you get married, figure out if you’re having a good time. Because, as long as you’re laughing together, marriage will be okay.

Name-Dropping

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“Oh, I know them. They love me!” 

Have many times have we said this? Have many times have we been talking with someone and we mention that we know someone that they know even if we don’t really know that person? How many times do we act like we know everyone and everyone knows us? 

Why do we name drop? Does it make us more important to know everyone? Is it a question of our validity to the world again? 

Is it possible that we can just be realistic and appreciate the people that we actually do have in our lives and just be no one to the masses? Is it possible we can do something for the sake of the action and not just because it would make us known to the world? 

And what about the people whose names we drop? Are they really important in some way? Are they just really popular? What does popularity even mean anymore? 

We’ve built this idea up of what is right in society. We desire acceptance and approval from others within. We want for people to know that we are important and that people want to know us and need us. We want to be valid. We want to know that something we do makes sense and that we will leave a mark on this world. We want to never be forgotten. 

I think the first step in really accepting ourselves. We need to know that we are important to the people around us, regardless of the masses. We are allowed to know a few people important to our lives and not be in the midst of every huge social event that occurs. Knowing ourselves is the more important part of this. In knowing ourselves, we accept that we are who we are and our lives do make a difference to the people around us. 

Maybe then we can finally believe that being just who we are is absolutely fine even if it goes against everything what we thought we knew. 

Inspiration

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Has anyone else ever wondered why there aren’t more people representing India in the Olympics? India has over a billion people and another who knows how many around the world. How do we end up going to the Olympics with maybe 30 representatives?

We watched an Indian movie this past weekend called “Bhaag Milka Bhaag”, literally meaning “Run, Milkha, Run”. It was about Milkha Singh who participated in the Olympics in the late 50s, early 60s. It was such an inspiring movie about a man who found a way to make something of himself even though he had lost a lot when the partition happened in India in 1947.

I really hope this movie inspires others at it has inspired me. I hope that the kids growing up in India realize that they do have the opportunity to really do something great in this world if they just put their efforts into it. I don’t want to assume anything, considering I don’t live there and don’t know if part of the reason that Indians don’t have a great presence in the Olympics is due to politics or money or some other reason unknown to me.

I have two little cousins who are maybe about 10 years old that have been born and raised in India. Both of them are fantastic swimmers and have been winning competitions as long as they have been swimming. I know at least one of them has her heart set on participating in the Olympics one day. I can only hope that this dream does come true and we get to cheer her on in a few years.

So why doesn’t India have a more dominating presence in these international games? I know they do in some sports (I’d like to say namely cricket) but what about everything else? We can’t possibly have no one who can compete in swimming, track, gymnastics. Are people in India so caught up in becoming actors or models that sports just isn’t as important?

I look forward to the day where the country of my heritage can be competitive in these international forums.

We Are the Masters of Distraction

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Yesterday, I went to a board meeting for a charity that I have been involved with and watched these amazing people in the generation above me spend their time and passion to furthering a great educational cause. These people are the examples of what I want my future to be like, especially when I retire. They are using their time on this earth to really make a difference in the world. I started thinking that they are doing a great job at getting involved and distracting themselves from what could be a really boring daily life routine otherwise. Then, it occurred to me that we, Indians, are really the masters of distraction. We have extremely busy social lives, we work abnormally hard, we do as much as we can in the short amount of time we have on earth (that is, if you don’t believe in reincarnation and that we will come back and do it all over again). We know how to fill up our day so we just go, go, go. But sometimes, this isn’t a good thing.

I wanted to talk about the other side of how we use distraction in our daily life. There are so many times that we use all of the things we do to hide the emotional side of our lives. We go to these events and hang out with just about anyone to really turn off the insight we have into our own feelings. We figure if we don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist.

A few years ago, I went through a pretty bad depression. I was lucky enough to have friends and family that made me realize that I needed help. If that had not happened, I would have either continued being depressed or used other events in my life to distract me from having to deal with it. I don’t know if that would have helped or prolonged it. I do know that I am glad that I learned how to deal with all of my issues head on.

Facing depression isn’t easy. Being Indian, we come from a culture where emotions aren’t a recognizable reason for doing something. If you think about it, we haven’t had to struggle as our parents have, we have led pretty stable lives with a lot of opportunity, we have had the choices in life to really do what we want. What reasons could we have for possibly have for depression?

Depression isn’t something that you can always control. External factors also can trigger it. If you go through several big losses in your life, I’d be surprised if you didn’t have some sort of strong emotional reaction to them. Just moving on is ideal but in my opinion, it doesn’t seem realistic.

I think it’s time for our culture to realize that emotions don’t just happen in movies. Emotions happen and sometimes, they happen a lot harder than anyone realizes. The only way to get past it is to take the first step into awareness. Only then, you can get help. I have seen people in our generation and even the generation above us be sad but not understand why. Sometimes, the lack of awareness for these types of emotions is astounding.

So, if you have experienced something like this to any extent in your life, know that it’s normal and it’s okay. We all go through it but as any “good” Indian society member would do, we just don’t talk about it. We need to get it out there and realize that this is a very real thing and the only way to deal with it is not by just distracting yourself but by acknowledging it and then, learning what to do to make it better. Your emotional well-being is important to your health and your happiness.

So why do we have such a hard time taking our emotions seriously?

Technology vs. People

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My cousin posted the below article a few days ago.

http://www.fastcodesign.com/1673020/in-20-years-we-re-all-going-to-realize-this-apple-ad-is-nuts

It did get me thinking about our use of technology today. How many of us have to be so entertained at all times that we are always playing games or scrolling through Facebook on our phones? I found myself doing it this past weekend while away with my husband. And hated myself for doing it.

We made a decision yesterday to actively not engage with our technology while in the presence of others. We could only look up things on the internet if it was to research something we were already discussing but only to look up that point. It forced us to really talk to each other or sit with each other in silence. We want to learn how to not depend on technology as an alternate form of friendship.

A lot of us do this. We put so much of our lives out on social media that we forget that these used to be pieces of information shared with people through interaction. We don’t actually have to talk to anyone anymore and we still feel like we have friends and can still know what’s going on in the world at any given time. We use technology to distract ourselves instead of putting ourselves out there. I know I would rather sit on my phone than have to take the risk to talk to a new person. I’m not comfortable just making small talk. It’s definitely easier to ignore someone. And my phone helps me do that. I really need to learn how to talk to someone new again.

I’m not saying that technology is all bad. How can I when I use it to put my own blog out there? What I am saying is that stepping away and taking breaks from it may not be a totally bad thing. Learning how to sit with ourselves or even others in silence might help us to really be at peace with ourselves. The art of conversation will once again be something that we know how to create.

Barely An Accountant

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So I’m pretty sure that most Indian parents out there dreamed that their child was going to grow up and be a doctor or if not that,  at least an engineer.  I didn’t realize that my profession as an accountant didn’t really count in the eyes of the community.  Not until I had heard someone say that I was barely an accountant. 

The funny thing is that I’m the one with a standard degree in my family.  My siblings and even my cousins did much more interesting things that just accounting.  I’m a little jealous that my degree is so boring.  

So let’s talk about the standards and expectations that the Indian community has.  If you’re a doctor,  you’ve made it. If you marry a doctor, you have also made it. Now if you are both doctors,  you both are pretty much royalty.  

I’m assuming that this mentality that the generations above us have of becoming a doctor has to do with two things : financial stability and status in the community. I have even heard people in our generation talk about the fact that if someone is a doctor (or if you marry one),  that person has it made. 

 It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you might actually love what you do. The people I know that are doctors have this passion for their respective specialties. They work pretty damn hard at it too.  

Now let’s talk about the rest of us.  The accountants, the lawyers, the business people, the journalists, the artists, etc. Are we now considered unsuccessful? When people meet us, do they look down on us because we didn’t want to become doctors? What is so wrong about following a different passion?  

In past posts, I’ve talked about making something you love into a financially stable career.  What if you did that already?  I honestly think that as long as a person has ambition for something and can support themselves,  they can do anything they want in the world. And I think people have stopped caring what the community thinks regarding this. Otherwise,  we wouldn’t have had such a range of professions out there now.  

The question really is whether or not we will get respect for what we have chosen to do with our lives.  

Do You Follow the Herd?

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Most of us are sheep as one of my friend likes to say.  We do what everyone else wants to do whether it’s what we want or not. We do it whether it’s the right thing to do. We do it because if we don’t do it,  we will be judged, or made fun of, or just not as cool. 

I went to a bachelorette party a few years ago. The emails sent to us provided us with instructions on the usual information. One of the things we had to do was book the flight to Las Vegas.  I’m a chicken when it comes to flying even though I will do it if necessary. Vegas, being a 3 hour drive, didn’t seem necessary to me. I’m also stingy (at the time I was unemployed so I was stingier than normal).  So I told the person in charge of planning that I will be driving myself there.  She asked me for weeks if I was sure.  Anyways, so when I finally got there a few hours later than the people who took a plane,  some of those girls told me that if they had known I was driving, they would have come with me. Apparently, the organizer didn’t mention to them I was driving and no one asked. They just assumed everyone was flying. They followed what they were given instructions to do. 

Now I know this isn’t a life or death situation. It doesn’t change the course of history or help our community at all. My point is sometimes it’s just worth challenging what you are being told or what you know. If we don’t raise our hands and ask the question, there is a chance that nobody else will either. 

We all have thoughts. One thing that drives me crazy is when people pretend that they don’t. Something I believe in strongly is that if there are two people or more working on something together, the best product will come out of that partnership because the crap will get questioned,  more ideas will get shared, and only the best stuff will be approved by both. That only works as long as both people share what they are thinking and don’t just agree to everything that one person says.

Trust me.  If you’re thinking something,  there’s a pretty good chance there are others thinking it too.  So speak up. Maybe you will be judged by the masses.  But does that matter? The masses are the people just following what  they were told to do anyways. Maybe you won’t be as cool or people will make fun of you.  I’ve definitely made some decisions in my life that have caused gossip and rumors.  Haven’t we all? 

But maybe,  for once,  you will get what you want instead of what someone else wanted.  Doesn’t that make it worth taking a chance?  

Just Because I’m American Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Indian

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You would think the typical problem for someone first generation born in America would be racism against the fact that you are Indian even though you’re as American as the next person. I do know that this is the case for a lot of people throughout the country. It’s a sad fact and hopefully, we are getting to a point where people are enlightened enough that this isn’t an issue anymore.

My problem is a little different from the typical racism. I want to talk about the stereotypes I dealt with growing up. From other Indian people.

There was an Indian movie that came out in the 90s called Pardes. It basically told a story about a girl from India who was marrying a boy who grew up in the US. This boy was a horrible human being. He drank, he smoked, he had girlfriends prior to marriage. All of this was a direct result from the fact that he had grown up in America.

Seriously??

I’m not going to comment on the fact about whether all of these things are right or wrong. Instead I’m going to focus on the fact that all the “bad” stuff happened because a person wasn’t raised in India. And if you think this is just something that was portrayed in a movie, let me tell you that it actually happens.

When I was 19, I brought a guy around to our family parties. This was someone my parents had met and liked and they were fine with him coming with us. All of a sudden, as of that day, I was a bad influence on the other children within our group. Because I had a boyfriend. And this was the type of guy who the same people would have been trying to set me up with maybe 2-3 years down the line. Same nationality, same religion, good family, etc. I couldn’t understand it. I was a super nerd in school. I didn’t drink, I didn’t really have many boyfriends, I had been teaching dance to their children, I had good grades, and was attending college on a scholarship. Yet, all of that history wasn’t enough. I was now this American girl who was going to take everyone else’s children down the wrong path. I was lucky that my parents stood by me and stood up for me. Now, as I watch all of these people’s children get married to people that are not the same heritage as we are, I wonder if they realize how unfairly they judged me back then.

There was a friend I had whose mom did not like me because she felt threatened or something by the relationship I had with “her little boy”. We were just friends but for whatever reason, I wasn’t a good person. One day, she saw me wearing a sari. She asked me who tied the sari for me (it takes a lot of practice). I told her I did it myself and I’ve known how to do it for the last 7 years. My friend later told me that his own sister-in-law from India can’t tie her own sari. Why did this woman assume that I was so American just because I was born here that I didn’t know anything about my own culture?

Most of the people I have been friends with here can speak more languages than just English. Most of them can understand at least 3 languages. I have friends who have been born and raised here in America and friends who have been born in India and came over after spending their childhood there. My own husband came to this country at the age of 11. Yet, there’s not really a significant difference between us. We are both proud of our culture and we share it. We also adopt parts of the American culture that are more progressive and really have been creating a new culture in which future generations will be a part of.

So, Indian people who think that they are better than I am just because I was born here and not there, get over it. We are all the same. The sooner you start thinking that way, the more we will all get along.

Marriages vs. Weddings

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In the past 6 months, I have been to 7 weddings out the 10 we were invited to. Seriously? Let me preface this by saying I love these people. Most of these weddings happened to be people that either my husband or I grew up with or are really good friends with. We love them dearly. I just hope that every single one of these people puts as much effort in their marriage as they did their weddings.

Let me start off by saying that I don’t think this is always the bride and groom’s fault. We, Indians, come from a culture where we like to show off and weddings are the epitome of being able to do that. I also think this is something that comes strongly from the generation before us. I wonder if we took a survey, how many couples we know would rather have run off to Vegas and got married versus having a huge, extravagant wedding.

I don’t want to sound judgmental. I definitely enjoy most of these weddings, especially when my friends are there. But, at the same time, I want to emphasize the importance of remembering that this is the first step in a marriage. It’s not one day. It’s our entire lives. I used to tell people that if you got married at 20 and lived until 80, then you just spent 75% of your life with one person. That’s a really long time. And living day in and day out with that one person will show you quickly how compatible you are with them.

I honestly can say that I think I have found my happily ever after. But it takes work. It takes constant growing and reconnecting and being able to be there for each other through the challenges that life brings us. It takes being able to laugh together and have fun together. It takes a lot. But I continue to look forward to all the experiences that we get to have together because I know that our wedding was only one day of our entire lifetime together.

The Indian Kid Mentality

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Have you ever really wanted to do something but have trouble doing it without feeling guilty about it? If it’s for pure fun or maybe not the most logical, practical choice, the feelings of “why am I putting myself first?” manifest themselves inside you and then there is the famous tug of war between what we want and what we should do. Is it possible to be selfish for the good of ourselves when our conscience is in constant overdrive? Or is that just the voice of the Indian culture?

This idea of duty and responsibility is something I know I’ve dealt with and put on myself throughout my entire life. I don’t know how I came to think that way instead of doing what I wanted but it definitely was my own mind that put that pressure on me. My own ideas of what I thought I was supposed to be doing caused me to make the decisions that I make.

Until I get to that point where I realize that this isn’t what is making me happy. And that gets to a point where I know I need to make a change or I’ll be miserable.

So let’s discuss the “Indian kid mentality” as my friend called it yesterday. Why do we stick to certain things even if they don’t make us happy? I understand we are raised by a generation where they risked a lot to come to America and create a stable and opportunity filled life for us. Aren’t we obligated to take the next step and really try to make it a happy life? There are those that did break out of the standard but the majority of us still stuck to stability as our main driving force. What is it about quitting or ending something or changing something that scares us half to death? I even question myself before buying something that might be a little bit more expensive than normal.

Can anyone explain how we can really start listening to ourselves instead of pushing ourselves to the point of misery?