Losing Myself

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My sister sent me an article a few weeks ago about diversifying yourself. Meaning have different people and hobbies and interests in life so that if one part of your life isn’t where you want it to be, your whole self doesn’t crash with it. It’s definitely a good idea. It’s so easy to lose yourself without even realizing it, especially when you have a hobby that is a big part of yourself, a new significant other, a career that you are very ambitious about. New life events happen and things change and all of a sudden you don’t recognize who you are anymore.

How do I stay in touch with who I am? It’s not easy, especially when your priorities change with a relationship or kids. I think it’s important to remember what made you you before those changes and make sure to maintain those things after the changes.

Yesterday, I saw some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. Without my significant other. As much as I love him, it felt good to take some time to remember what I look like on my own. This independence helps build my self esteem and keeps me remembering who I am. It’s important to remember that we are not defined by our relationship or our role as a parent or our career. We are who we are based on who we are as people. And that will change as we grow but as long as we can still see ourselves and make sure we like who we are, then we’re okay.

When I had a big fall several years ago, I had no idea who I was after. I had to rebuild everything slowly. I realized during that fall how important my friends and my passions are to keep me grounded. I don’t want ever any one aspect of my life to define me.

I’ve watched other people lose themselves. Not on purpose but just because it’s easy to get swept up in their lives and forget to take that time out for themselves so that they can see who they are. It’s when this happens I think that it’s most important to appreciate that we are humans who can enjoy so many aspects of life. We don’t have to be defined by a single role at any point.  We can take a step to finding what we are missing in our current situation and introduce it back into our lives. I didn’t realize until yesterday how much I was missing my girlfriends until I was sitting right in front of them. I’m glad I recognized it though because I will definitely take the steps to make sure I’m getting that girl time.

Losing myself is not an option.

Getting Help is Hard to Do

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We’re Indian. We’re self-sufficient. We never need anyone to help us with anything.

Right?

Why is it so hard for us to ask for help when we need it? Whether it’s from people we love or professionals in the field? Do we think it makes us weak? What happens if people do see us as weak? The world must end, right?

I am a big believer in therapy. Enough that even though I am past the really black hole I used to be in, I still go once a month just to get whatever thoughts I have in my head out. And of course, I didn’t choose to go even though at the time it was strongly recommended to me. It took a good friend of mine giving me no choice and forcing me to call around that got me there. But I have to say it helped. I recently went through another bad experience and I honestly believe that because I learned how to cope better through therapy, I didn’t stay down as long as I would have before.

Our society and culture tends to look at something like therapy a sign of weakness. Plus then, people know there is something wrong with you and your family. It takes people a while to really understand the value of going plus the value of getting help. We are all human. Asking for help is acceptable. There will be people who don’t know how to help or don’t give you the attention you need. But there will also be people who will be there no matter what.

The more people accept that getting help is not a bad thing, the more acceptable it will be to get it. It’s time to stop worrying about what our society might think and do something that is good for you. If this helps you figure out your life and get support and make you happier, who is to say it’s wrong or bad to do it? Those who say that it makes you weak or looks bad on your family don’t fully understand your situation. Who are they to say what you do or do not need? Life is a complicated, sometimes overwhelming journey. If you can get through it completely on your own, you might actually be a superhero. Wait, I’m pretty sure Batman and the Hulk could have used therapists as well.

Those Lost Friendships

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People come, people go. I’m fine with it. Until I have a day where I miss those friends that I don’t hang out with anymore.

What is it about certain friendships that makes them so short-lived? There are experiences and memories that makes you so sure that this is a friendship for a lifetime. Yet, within a year, you are hardly speaking to that person. It isn’t always a bad end. Sometimes, it’s as simple as one person moved away or people just grew apart. But it does end. That’s the part that sucks.

There are people that have such a strong impact on your life and yet, remain for such a short time. I do believe that everyone enters and leaves your life for a reason. Every person helps you progress to the next step in your life.

Then, there are those people who, after a certain amount of time, don’t help you move forward anymore. Those are the ones that you have to walk away from. And chances are that if they let you walk away from them, they either feel the same way about you or they weren’t worth hanging around with to begin with. Let me clarify this. Not being worth it does not diminish the quality of the experiences that you have had hanging out with them. Experiences are experiences. They will always help you grow. But sometimes, the person that leads you to them will hold you back.

Letting go is the hardest part. Even now, there are times where I reminisce and wonder how these friendships ended up the way they did. I know I had my reasons for walking away and I’m sure the other person did too but at the same time, we were friends where our lives converged.

There are friendships that last forever and there are ones that are short-lived. How does this happen? How are there people you can continuously grow with and there are people that you can’t even be friends with for a year? It’s interesting to see those friendships that always pick up where they left off even though you don’t always talk and those friendships that end if you don’t talk for a short while. Why do some friendships last and what keeps them together while some end? is it effort or personality or some unique experience?

I wanted to dedicate this post to those friendships that have been lost for whatever reason along the journey of my life. I miss those people all of the time even though we had our reasons for moving on.

The Guilt Factor – Off of the Beaten Path

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Does this life sound familiar to anyone else? We go to school, graduate with our bachelor’s, work, go get our master’s degree, work, get married somewhere between the bachelor’s and the master’s, work, have kids right after our second graduation, work, and work until this repeats with our children.

Wait, what happens when you don’t follow this formula? Probably guilt. I feel guilty that I’m not doing what I was programmed to do. This is the correct formula to make everyone proud and to be able to show your face in society, right?

Well, crap. I didn’t follow the formula and now I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I feel the guilt. In all fairness, the guilt tends to follow you every time you do something that isn’t allegedly morally correct, not just when you step off of the beaten path. I don’t know if this is oldest child syndrome or not but I’m willing to bet it’s not just me who feels guilty every time I do something that I know might not be the best choice. I feel guilty even putting myself first before my family.

It’s unrealistic to feel this guilt. When you do something for you, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, it shouldn’t be a bad thing. Taking time off to take care of yourself is a good thing. Finding out what makes you happy and working towards that is a good thing.

Happiness. It’s a fairly unknown concept in our culture. So much of our society is based on duty and responsibility. We forget that life is so fleeting that you might as well enjoy it while you’re here. It’s a concept that is slowly start to emerge as the new generation grows up and realizes that they don’t want to live the same formula anymore. It’s interesting to watch people chase their dreams and follow their hearts.

The guilt needs to go. It’s taken me a while to learn how to dump the guilt. I still feel it since it is programmed in me but give me an hour or so and I’ll get over it. I’ll know that if I trust myself and know that I’m doing the right thing, then I have nothing to feel guilty about. Hell, even if it’s not necessarily the ideal thing to do, at least I made my own choice and will live with that decision.

How else are you supposed to live your life to the fullest?

The Rank

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I would like to introduce an idea that I call “The Rank”. Most of us have been a part of this in some way.

I learned about “The Rank” in high school (actually, I probably saw it in junior high but in high school is when I started calling it “The Rank”.). It’s basically the category you fall into when someone wants to hang out. There are 4 categories, at least in my book:

1) The cool guys

2) The not-so-cool guys

3) The cool girls

4) The not-so-cool girls

Guess which category I fell into? Definitely #4. Which meant that when I was at a party or a social gathering of some sort, other girls would go hang out with #1-3 before I was graced with their presence.

I’m pretty sure this exists in some form today as well. I’m in my 30s but I definitely feel like there are people still out there that judge you based on who they think you are socially and hang out with you based on that. I don’t know what number I count as anymore but I think I definitely care less.

So why does “The Rank” exist? Is it because we want to up our social standing by association? If I hang out with someone of the opposite sex who is “cool”, will it make me “cool” too? Maybe yet again, we are talking about validation. Validation that proves that we are important because the better people want to hang out with me, whatever better means. My own importance gives me a reason for being here on this earth.

I definitely am more discriminating in my friendships now but occasionally, someone sneaks by me. I believe that they will be a good friend and we manage to maintain that friendship until someone “cooler” or more worthy comes along and that person disappears, never to be heard of again. It happens. The worst is when they don’t even realize that they are doing that. It’s possible that we are all doing this in some form without realizing it.

How do we tear down “The Rank”? In American society, you’re told to be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school because they will end up being your boss one day. How do we address this in our society where it’s not necessarily our nerdiness that put us in category #4 but something else entirely? What is it about us that categorizes us to begin with? How do we stop people from judging us without even knowing us?

In addition to that, what the hell are we being judged on anyways? Especially in our 30s. Is it how much money we make, how we have maintained ourselves, what our spouse does (or if we even have a spouse)? I actually find it interesting that this ranking still does somewhat exist at this age. What deems me worthy to be able to hang out with you?

Courage to Take Responsibility

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It takes courage to stop blaming and take responsibility.

I read this quote in an article that someone had posted on Facebook. I love it. How many of us can be completely honest today and admit to being wrong about something? How many of us can take the next step and actually apologize to the person for being wrong?

We have all had our moments whether on purpose or not of screwing up and hurting someone. Then, what?

I think that the people in our lives are a great reflection of who we are. If you aren’t sure of what you look like to the outside world, take a look at the people around you. Are they good people? Or are they the types that don’t take responsibility for their own lives where everything is always someone else’s fault?

I had a friend email me last night, apologizing for not being there in the past few weeks when I was going through a really hard time. This is a friend who has been there through some of the worst times in my life. This is a friend who was apologizing to me for not being there while she was going through a really hard time herself. I admire my friend a lot. She is an amazing person. And I admire her courage to stand up for her beliefs and do what she needed to do when she thought she was wrong. I don’t think she was wrong at all for taking some time out for herself while she dealt with her stuff but that’s a whole other story.

I think people don’t realize that having beliefs is acceptable. Standing up for your beliefs is also acceptable. I have done this time and time again. And there are times when I have stood up in a way that was completely unacceptable. I have had to go back and apologize for not treating someone correctly because I was passionate about something that they didn’t understand or agree with. It doesn’t change what I stand for but I want to be proud of the way I defend my beliefs.

How do we make the world a better place when we don’t have the courage to even look internally at our who we are and what we are doing? It’s scary sometimes to see the person staring back at you. The only thing we can really ever do is our best. We are all human and we are all going to make mistakes. And sometimes, those mistakes will hurt other people. But if we can take a look at what just happened and take responsibility, then that shows that we can learn and grow. I hope that is how we change our world to be a place to be proud of.

Look at Me! Look at Me!

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I like to watch people. I especially like to watch people and analyze them. One of the most fascinating things to see is how people react to other people. Especially when they are seeking attention.

Everyone needs attention. But to what extremes do people go to try to get this attention? I have to admit, I do it too. I want the body, the face, the great clothes, the killer heels. I want people to see me and want to be around me or be jealous that they aren’t me.

Then, reality hits me and I realize that I am not always going to get all of the attention in the world. I also realize that that attention is superficial and temporary. I want friends who will be there when I need to cry (and I’ve needed to in the past, present, and probably will in the future). I want people to know who I am as a person especially when I forget who I am sometimes.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t dress to the best of my ability or I don’t try to come off as the funny, smart, gorgeous, popular girl when I meet strangers. It just means that sometimes, it’s easier to just realize that I am who I am and all I can do is be the best person I am. Sometimes, I do demand attention. Sometimes, I sit back and watch others demand it instead. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to be in my pajamas with flip flops and no makeup on. It’s just so much more comfortable.

It’s a pretty simple answer really in terms of why we fight for this. Validation. We want proof that we exist in this world and that we are someone that others want to be around. This isn’t specifically for guys trying to get attention from girls and vice versa. This is even within our own gender (maybe even especially within our own gender). I want to know that I’m not invisible, that I matter.

Does this mean the more I demand attention, the more insecure I am? Possibly. I’m not a licensed therapist or psychologist so I couldn’t say for sure. But it does make me wonder about the people I see that demand attention all the time. Why do they need it? Where aren’t they getting it? What do they think about themselves that makes them feel like if they aren’t in the center of everyone’s world, they are nowhere?

I wonder if we could really and truly be happy for someone else when they have success and therefore, the attention. Does that come with a certain amount of self-confidence? Or is not just not possible since we are all human and all selfish to a certain degree? I’ll be honest with you. I’ve definitely gotten jealous when others seem to get the attention I want. I sit there and analyze why I’m not the one receiving it. Is it the way I look? Is it what I’m doing? Why am I not worthy of this attention?

It would be interesting to see how insecurity correlates with an attention seeker. Maybe the key is to address the insecurities we and see if that can help to make us better as people. Thoughts?

Inspired.

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Today, I’m starting a new adventure. For a while now, I’ve been wanting to do something that makes a difference in the way we see things in our society. I’ve been working on different projects including a group that allows women to talk about the things that aren’t shared normally. 

I saw a post today on Facebook that was linked to Aamir Khan’s article about weddings in India. It was about the fact that the wedding is usually thought about more than the marriage. It inspired me.

I usually have thoughts and opinions about different things I see happening in our society but I don’t always share them openly. Maybe it’s the fear of being judged. But, if Aamir Khan can do it, why can’t I? This is a man who became popular through the entertainment industry and decided to use this status to start addressing problems he sees in his country without fear of anyone else. If only more people used their status for something like this, I honestly believe that things in this world would be much better. I can’t even start to express how much respect I have for him.

This is my big inspiration. I want to talk about things that need to be talked about. I want to discuss things that people are scared to discuss. I want to let everyone know that there is always someone who goes through what we are going through. There are things that are obvious and there are things that are not. I know I have strong opinions and I know that not everyone will share them. But I want to at least try to open up the world to possibility that we could make our society better if we just talked about it.