Tag: kids

How To Chase Your Passions While Being a Mom

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Today, I was really missing dancing and performing. I’ve spent a good part over the last 16 years dancing on various teams and in shows. It’s definitely slowed down since I had my first kid. I have had a few opportunities to dance in between being pregnant and having baby #1 and baby #2 but it’s not as frequently as I would like.

I posted on Facebook about this longing I had for dance and a few opportunities popped up. I’m really excited to get started and do this.

But I can’t just jump into things the way I used to.

I have to remember that my first responsibility is my family. My kids’ lives and needs come first. They have their schedules that are more important that anything else.

So how does it work if my needs come second?

Somehow, I have to manage balancing my responsibilities with chasing my passions. I know I could just ignore my own needs and concentrate on my kids but if I did that, then I wouldn’t be giving them my best self. The only answer to this is to find a way to do both.

I find sections of my day to focus on the things I do for me. I wake up early to write (or write during a movie that I’m watching with my kid like I’m doing now). I work out during nap times. In order to be able to dance, I need the support of my husband.

He’s a great guy and we both believe in allowing space so that the other is able to do the things that will make us happy. We believe that if we are happy, our kids will be happy. So I have the ability to dance while my husband handles our responsibilities.

It isn’t easy to be able to chase your passions while being a mom. But if I want it bad enough, I’ll find a way to do it.

Things Are So Different Now

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Things are so different now.

I remember being in my 20s. I worked, went to school, danced on teams, and went on trips. I remember sleep never being a priority and hanging out with friends being the #1 priority. I remember taking one random trip to Vegas in the midst of many planned trips to Vegas.

Things are so different now.

My day revolves around my kids’ schedules. Now our days are planned around their classes and play dates, their naps and meal times, and their bedtimes. Anything I want or need to do for myself has to be fitted in around these things.

I used to be able to hang out at my friends’ places for hours. Now if I try, I get reminded that if my kids are not comfortable, it’s probably not going to happen.

Before, if I could, I would be out. Anything I could go do, I would do it. Now, I would almost rather be at home. It’s easier. (Maybe it’ll get easier to go out with 2 kids once my second one is a little bit older but for now, it’s easier to manage the 2 at home.)

I remember one weekend where I partied Friday night and Saturday night and had full days of dance practices on Saturday and Sunday. That meant practically no sleep and being hungover. That meant a Monday at work that hurt.

Things are so different now. I would rather be home and well-rested. I’d rather be in bed by 10 with my significant other and watching tv.

I’m hoping that as my kids get older, I find a different balance than I had then and that I have now. Something a little more in between.

While I’m glad that things are different now, I don’t want them to change completely.

I’m Terrified Because I’m Brown

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I haven’t written too much about politics because every type of article is already being written.

I did write a previous post about the tolerance for racism and hate that our president has.

I wanted to write this one based on how I’ve been feeling.

And to be honest, I’ve been scared. I’m an Asian Indian American who was born in Southern California and have lived here all my life. Not once in my 35 years on this planet have I been worried about how I was treated because of my ethnicity. I know that I’ve been lucky. I have family that has felt racism based on their skin color. I either have been oblivious or around so many different ethnicities that there hasn’t been room for that feeling of being judged.

I remember the election day and feeling like so much was riding on it. I could see all the way through it that racist people were given a pass for acting the way they wanted. I remember feeling terrified because I was worried about hate crimes occurring as soon as that election day was done.

And they did. It made me scared to leave my house. I have small kids and I don’t want to ever have to think that I’m putting their lives at risk. It’s sad to think that even with living in one of most the liberal and ethnically mixed areas in the country, I continue to worry about the type of people who don’t want those of us with a different skin color or religion here. I can’t even imagine what I would do if I didn’t live in an area like Southern California.

My family and I went out to dinner last week. I’m hyper aware of my surroundings in general but even more so than usual now. An older Caucasian man who was eating with his family kept looking over at my husband. I saw this and I couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking. I don’t believe that anything would have happened but the idea that someone didn’t want us to be there for no good reason did bother me. When the family finished, he got up and came over with his wife and told my husband that he was doing a great job handling our baby while trying to eat simultaneously and to enjoy the time because the kids grow up fast. It turns out that he was admiring our family.

It’s moments like these that remind me that as much as things have changed, nothing everything or everyone has. It reminds me that most people are still good people. It reminds me that there is still hope that this country will be a better place than it is right now.

But I’ll be honest. I’m terrified of how much we are going to have to deal with before we get to that place.

Mom Tired

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Over the last week, there were multiple nights were I did get over 7 hours of sleep. It was broken sleep because I still had to wake up to feed my baby but according to my Fitbit, I did manage to get around 7- 8 hours total.

So then why am I still tired when I wake up in the morning and all day?

I think there is something called “Mom tired”. It can apply to dads too (I’m not trying to be discriminatory at all).

It’s this feeling that no matter how much rest you get, no matter how much time to yourself you get, you will always be tired. Coffee helps but only to a certain point.

What is it about having kids that does make you tired permanently? I always had bags under my eyes but now I think they are there for life. Nothing is going to help this mess on my face.

And you are on their schedule. That means, you probably won’t be able to sleep until they do and you have to be as active as they are while they are awake.

Somehow, you power through it every day. You do as much as you can. You spend the time with your kids and be as involved in their in lives as you can. And, of course, as soon as they are asleep, you know you should go to sleep but it’s the only alone time you’ve had all day so you stay up a little bit later than you should (which probably doesn’t help the bags).

I’m assuming being tired all day is something that will eventually go away when the kids become older and sleep all night.

But until then, more coffee to me.

Being a SAHM

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Going from a working individual to stay at home mom took some adjustment. It’s hard to go from feeling you are a productive member of the household to being home all the time. It does make you feel like you aren’t doing as much because you aren’t contributing financially.

It also is an adjustment on the mental and emotional side. You spend the whole day taking care of your kids and house. It does make it difficult to gauge whether you’ve done something useful during the day or you’ve done nothing. And not feeling productive can hurt your self-esteem. I used to work, go to school, be on a dance team, and have a social life all at the same time. Now, not so much. Your day definitely slows down when you aren’t leaving home so much.

Here is some advice a friend of mine gave me when I was talking to her about becoming a stay at home mom: you have to find ways to do things every day to feel productive.

I am starting to finally use this advice. I have started scheduling my day out with things I want to get done. I work better having a list of things to do so I can feel like I accomplished something. I decided that if I am going to be a stay at home mom, I’m going to do it well. Half-assing it and feeling sorry for myself does do anything for anyone.

It is still hard. Your children’s needs come first and that can derail your list of things to do. But, at least, it gives me some structure and makes me feel more useful than before.

 

Politics

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I’ve tried to avoid writing about politics because there is so much of it around us right now. Every other article is about politics and what is happening everywhere. I know that I usually need a break from it.

But I thought I’d dedicate one post about it.

Here is my basic opinion: I could have accepted anyone who eventually won the presidency regardless of their politics and where they stood on issues. But I can’t accept someone who won while inciting hate.

I can’t remember a time when a president won (and I’ve been able to vote in 6 elections as of today) where there were hate crimes during and after the campaign. I can’t ever remember being scared to leave the house during and after a campaign because people might be rude to me because I am Indian even though I was born in America.

I live in California which is maybe in the running for the most liberal state in the country. Yet, I still had these thoughts. I still worried about my kids and how they would be treated when we left the house.

This is what I am gauging the election results on. This is why I have trouble accepting the president. If he can’t make me feel safe in my own home, then why is he my leader?

There are plenty of issues with the new president. But, for me, the primary issue is that he encouraged people who harbored hate for others. He encouraged them to show their true colors and make those of us of a different ethnicity feel unwanted.

And that I can’t accept.

 

The Good Eggs

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Lately, I have been questioning myself and the people that I have had to be around. I feel as though not only am I not sure of who I am but I have had to deal with a few people who seem to only be concerned with themselves. It has been making me doubt the type of world we live in.

And then a few things happened.

Someone who I am not that close to did something really sweet for someone I love very much. It was completely a surprise and unnecessary. This action helped renew my faith that there are good people out there that do give themselves selflessly.

I also want to point out the fact that my husband who works all day to support my daughter and also helps me in taking care of my family and giving me breaks whenever I need it. He doesn’t complain about anything and just does what needs to be done. He also shows his appreciation towards me even though I am definitely not the perfect wife and mother.

Lately, we have also been going through an early onset of the terrible 2s. I told some of my friends who have babies as well and I just received an outpouring of support and advice. It was so great to know that there are people out there who can understand what you are going through.

I think that while sometimes we have to deal with crap, that sometimes, we get so lucky and get to have beautiful people grace our lives. It’s hard to remember that when you are frustrated and exhausted. It’s hard to remember that when you are working hard and no one seems to see it. It’s hard to remember that you do make a difference in the lives of others and that there are people who love you regardless of everything else.

So today’s post goes out as a thank you to those who have made my life amazing, who are there when I need them, who are there when others need them. I am grateful to those people who really know how to love and put themselves out there without second thought.

Thank you. =)

Why Do Indians Try To Change The Way Our Babies Look?

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I’ve mentioned that I’m a part of a few different mommy groups on Facebook, one of them being an Indian mommy group. There are so many great things about being a part of that group because you get to share ideas and things you’ve done and get help from others when you have questions.

But there is one big thing that drives me crazy every time I see it posted. There are Indian moms who ask how they can change the appearance of their child.

Here are examples of what I’m talking about (my version of examples since I don’t want to copy and paste things that are confidential to the group):

–My child was born with curly hair. If I shave it, will it come back straight? How can I      make it look better?

–My child in a month old and has hair on her face. How can I get rid of it?

–Will an oil massage help lighten my child’s skin?

And this goes on and on and on.

Why? Why are we trying to change the way our babies look? We criticize and try to change these children that are born after everything we go through to have them. We go through so much to get pregnant and then the stress of the pregnancy itself. These child are born perfect. Every single one of them. How can we judge the looks of someone so small and innocent?

And why do we think certain qualities are bad? Why is darker skin bad? Why is curly hair bad? I have curly hair and I love it. I know a girl who has darker skin than I do and she is one of the most beautiful, talented, and smarter girls I know.

Our goal in raising our child is so they grow up with great values and culture and become amazing adults. And yet, as newborns, we sit and criticize how they look. How are these kids supposed to develop good self-esteem and confidence with this type of parental attitude?

We are trying to get our babies to fit society’s standards of beauty. But here’s the problem. Society’s standards of beauty are wrong. Beauty shouldn’t be judged on one or two different physical characteristics. So if we try to change our children, what are we telling them? The only way to change what society considers beautiful is to believe that our children are beautiful just the way they are and teach them that.

I know I want my child to be confident in who she is as a person. I personally went through an ugly duckling phase when I was in school but I made it through. I think it actually made me a more grounded person because I haven’t relied on my looks at any point in my life. I had to learn to be social and to be able to relate to people around me.

I hope mothers will start appreciating their children for who they are and not what they look like. I hope they will start focusing more on how to raise their children and not how to improve their looks. I hope that these children will learn that your physical appearance has nothing to do with how beautiful you really are.

See Your Phone? Put It Away!

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15 years ago, if you went to a social event and you didn’t know anyone there, you had 2 choices: you could either try to make friends or you could sit in a corner and be by yourself. Now, you have a third option: you can sit by yourself with your phone out.

Have you noticed that people seem to be beyond addicted to their phones? I went to a social event recently and even though all of us don’t see each other that often, there were a few people around the table still on their phones. There’s definitely a range of what they could have been doing. I’ve seen people sitting on their phones in a social setting and playing games, texting other people, or just surfing the internet.

I’m not saying it’s the end of the world but honestly, doesn’t it worry you just a little bit? I want my kid to learn how to talk to people. I think a lot of us developed the ability to be social because we didn’t have the phone as a crutch when we were growing up. Now it seems that it’s used as a distraction in all cases.

You see it all the time. How many of you have seen 2 people sitting at a table at a restaurant and both have their phones in their hands and neither is talking to the other? I have had people talk to me but, at the same time, have an ongoing text conversation with someone else.

What’s going to happen if you don’t look at your phone for a few hours? We used to get by without having constant access to the outside world all the time. If something wasn’t happening in the exact location we were at, we didn’t know about it. Is that so bad? Why are we so scared of missing out on what’s going on somewhere else?

Also, why is what’s going on somewhere else more important than talking to the person that is sitting across from you? Why is it more interesting? The funny thing is that we could be with that other person and we’d be sitting on the phone talking to someone entirely different. Sometimes, I don’t even feel like talking to someone who seems to be more interested in their phone/text/social media conversations than in speaking with a real, live, present person.

There was one time I had gone on a vacation with my family. I was so tired of dealing with the outside world that I decided that I wanted to live in the moment. In order to accomplish that, I decided to leave my phone in our hotel room. It was liberating to not be so attached to something. I was able to really focus on hanging out with my family.

I know we all need our phones. I have a kid. I like to be in touch when I’m not with her just in case she needs me. But I do want to be able to put my phone away when I’m with other people and don’t need to necessarily be in touch with someone that isn’t present. I want to be able to focus on the moment at hand. I want to be present and be able to socialize with the people that are right there next to me.

Can you do it? Can you put your phone away and not look at it for a few hours? Can you break the addiction?

Where Will Our Traditions Go?

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So here’s a question that has been on my mind for a while: who is going to perform the Hindu/Sikh/etc. weddings after all of the pandits (or corresponding religious leaders) in our area retire? The group I’ve grown up with has had this discussion before. Most of the people who perform weddings now have moved to America from India. And no one I know who is in my generation is practicing to become a pandit.

What happens to all of our cultural traditions in the future? Will there be someone who can help continue them?

I’ve been making sure that my parents and my husband’s parents talk to my kid in our respective languages so she learns that part of our culture. Unfortunately, it’s a second language for me as well and I tend to go to my first language when I speak to her. On occasion, when I do remember, I do speak to her in Gujarati. But it won’t be the way my parents spoke it to me. Language is still something easier to pass on than a few other aspects.

I grew up going to pujas, temples, parties that celebrated different festivals in India. When I got married, we had an event where our families and friends sang traditional songs in our respective languages. Will our generation be able to continue this? Who will be responsible so that our children learn all of this stuff? How do make sure that we don’t lose this part of us?

It’s a little bit scary. Is it okay that our traditions progress as the way we grow up changes? Did this happen to our parents or since they all were born in the same country, the traditions were able to be passed down much easier? I wonder if this really only affects us now because we are growing up here in America and raising our children here.

I want my child to know her cultures. I want her to be able to really understand where she comes from. I’m just not sure how I can make sure that happen in the future.