The Need to be Needed

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It must be a human thing. To feel needed or wanted. When we stop feeling like that and stop feeling appreciated, we lose our motivation to really achieve something. We lose our motivation to love and to care and to really put ourselves out there. 

What is it about being needed to makes us feel worthy? Ideally, we ourselves should feel worthy because of what we accomplished, not because someone praises us or shows us how much they need us. That idea of “you can’t function without me” is something that really is detrimental to our self-worth. We want to feel wanted and needed. Which ends up being that we need or want someone to want or need us. Vicious cycle, right?

I don’t know if it’s possible to be so self-sufficient that you don’t ever need someone to validate you and your effort. It would be an ideal place to be. I definitely wish I could assess my own actions and not depend on anyone else to let me know that I’m doing a good job or or if I’m a good person. I would expend so much less energy if I didn’t question my value. 

The other angle is that I know what I’m worth and I need others to know that well and when they don’t treat me how I would like to be treated, then that’s not a good place to be as well. 

Where does this need come from? So there are 2 aspects. One is that we need this validation to know we are worth something and the other is that we need this validation to know that we are being treated right. 

One day, I hope that I don’t have the insecurities to need validation to know my self-worth. I will always use it as a standard of measure to know that I’m being treated as I should be. 

Getting Over the Negative (With Some Help from Facebook)

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I decided that I’m going to do the things I avoid doing because I have some weird issue with them. For example, when I’m totally jealous of someone’s trip on Facebook or have had some issue with that person in the past, I’m going to deliberately like the photo or post that I have an issue with. I want to stop reacting the way I do to these things and just start appreciating them for what or who they are.

I’m hoping that this will create positive energy and will eventually result in changing the way I feel about things that have been negative for me in the past. Reacting negatively keeps me down and really doesn’t help me progress in life. Then comes the spiral of negativity that just keeps growing and growing until there is a breakdown. I’m hoping that reacting positively will have the same effect, only with a positive ending.

It’s hard when the obviously negative things keep coming in your face but from what I understand about the Law of Attraction, focusing on the positive will bring good things into your life. It’s a hard cycle to break out of, especially when you’ve been there for so long. Sometimes, a big change is the only way to move on. Things will get better.

Learning how to appreciate other people’s happiness is something I want to be able to do.  I don’t want to look at them and wonder why I’m not in the same place. I wouldn’t want someone else thinking that about me either. It’s definitely going to be a challenge but I’m willing to accept it. I want to believe that good wishes towards someone else will result in good wishes towards me. This might be a completely selfish motivation but it might also help both others and myself to be better people, to be more positive people.

Maybe Facebook isn’t there to show you someone’s real life (as I’ve mentioned in a previous post). Maybe it’s there to show you what’s good about the world, what is there to look forward to, what brings happiness to people. Maybe this is what we need to be reminded of the good that there is in the world so we know that our own struggles don’t define what our lives hold for us. Maybe seeing someone smile will bring a smile to us.

The Need to Be Right

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Why is it that we have to be so sure that we know what we are doing all the time? Why is it that we have to always have the final word in a discussion or have to prove that we have all of the correct information? Why do we have this need to be right?

When I was younger, I definitely was like this all of the time. I don’t know if I was trying to prove something about myself or what the deal was. I would argue and fight and make sure everyone knew that I had the best opinion on whatever the situation was. I did learn and grow out of it even though there are times when this part of my personality still comes out. 

I’ve watched other people do this over and over again. There are those who manage to involve themselves in other people’s lives or who will walk away from a good thing just because they believe they are right. I honestly think it’s fine to fight for what you believe in. But why do we have to fight when it’s not something that definitely needs change? I used to fight over which movie actors were the best or what songs were good. I don’t think this is a discussion that needs to be rehashed 100 times to prove that I’m right. 

So what’s the deal then? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we fight uselessly when it’d be just as easy to let things go? Is it our ego? Is it that we have to prove that we are smarter or more knowledgeable to others? Why can’t we accept that we are all human and there is a chance that we might not know everything? 

I think it’s important to accept that there might be value in what someone else thinks and says. It’s important to keep an open mind and realize that we might not know everything. I think there are some fights not worth fighting. Sometimes, letting things go helps us protect ourselves from getting hurt when someone else forces their opinion onto us. Separating yourself takes the emotion out of a situation that might not be worth it. Giving someone else the time to express themselves might teach us something new. 

There are some fights worth fighting and some that are not. Sometimes, our own peace of mind is better than any fight. 

Taking the Risk

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Have you ever had something that terrified you beyond belief but it’s something that would not leave your mind? Maybe it’s your mind and guts’ way of telling you that it needs to happen no matter how much it goes against logic. I’ve learned to trust my gut over the years but in reality, I’m still terrified whenever I make a big decision, especially since I know that the effects are way beyond me. 

Everything is a risk. Life is a risk. The only way to know if you can do something is by trying. The worst that can happen is you fail. And as scary as that sounds, it sounds even scarier to me to be in a place where you’re unhappy. 

Amazing things happen when people take risks. Everything innovative in the world was created through a vision and a dream. Knowing that helps when taking risks. Some of the best things that have ever happened to me were born out of leaving a miserable situation. 

I understand familiarity. Usually, that’s the reason I don’t quit things even if it’s for the better. It’s nice to be around consistency and familiarity. It’s nice to know that things are good. As long as they are good. As soon as they stop being good, there is an issue. That’s when change is needed. 

I wonder how many people actually do take the risk and make the change when needed. Do people tend to stay in their current situations because they are scared or do they take the leap and believe everything will be okay? 

99 Thoughts But a Blog Ain’t One….

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I have a 1,000 thoughts on my mind but I won’t be expressing them all today. It’s a day when I will take that time to just be me and hopefully, deal with all of the emotions that are going on inside of me. I hope that this weekend is a great weekend for all and I’ll continue posting again on Monday. 

People Pleasers and Jerks

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I realized something important last night. No matter how much you analyze someone, there is no way to figure them out. They are just jerks. And there’s no reason (or maybe there are many reasons) to why they are that way. 

I also want to explain why, in the title, I added people pleasers as well. Well, I think one of the characteristics of someone who turns out to be a jerk is that they are a people pleaser. That’s not to say that all people pleasers are jerks. The ones that are jerks tend to focus on someone they want to impress and use all of their might to please them. The rest of the people in their life get don’t get much effort at all. I always wonder if the people who are the beneficiaries of the people pleasing can see that they are just temporarily the focus of this person’s efforts or if they realize that there isn’t much to that person otherwise. I know I don’t realize it until I become someone who doesn’t get the effort. And then, it just sucks. It sucks to deal with those people because you can remember the friendship you once had and the fact that they don’t respect you or that relationship enough to really put in effort anymore at all. 

I have learned that there is no way to get through to a jerk as well. You can try talking to them, manipulating them, being overly nice to them, yelling at them, and in the end, it’s a wasted effort on your part, no matter what. They will do what they want to do. And usually, it’s to benefit themselves. Luckily, experience helps in figuring out who is a jerk and who isn’t earlier on in the relationship but sometimes, it’s hard to see right away. The fact that it eventually ends up hurting me makes me not even want to trust new people at any point anymore. 

The only solution I have found that works is to walk away from these people. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible due to circumstances such as working together or being on the same team. The best you can hope for at that point is limited contact. Exposure is only more toxic. And why keep fighting for people who no longer even realize you aren’t there anymore? I don’t think they realize that when you fight with them, that means you still care about them some because you’re fighting to fix something that you believe in. When you just stop talking to them, it usually means you have given up and the energy isn’t worth it anymore. 

If you are one of those people that I described here today, try to remember that there is a world full of people out there that you should learn to be considerate around. There are people that care about you that might not be in your field of vision because you take them for granted. Take responsibility for the fact that your actions might be hurting someone even though you don’t think it would hurt. Most people do feel and aren’t just left-brained. Things are not good just because they look right to the outside world. There is usually a lot more to human beings than just that. 

I want to dedicate this post to the people that I can’t remove from my life and cause me anxiety whenever I have to talk to them. 

I Don’t Recognize This Place

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There are days when I can look at old pictures from Facebook and wonder about how people I know got from where they were to where they are now. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have recognized who I am now even 5 years ago. Maybe I would have but maybe my life is so completely different that people I knew then wouldn’t understand me now. I see pictures of friends and really do wonder if I would have even liked them back 5-10 years ago or if it’s who they are now that I really like. 

You know what else I find interesting? It’s when I see people who haven’t changed at all. Most of the people I am friends with now are in their late 20s to their early 30s. I’d like to think most of us have grown up and moved on from those crazy party days. There were days I could go through a weekend going out, having dance practices, and minimal sleep for about 3 days in a row. The thought of that now makes me nauseous from a purely “I can’t handle that anymore” point of view. But there are people who are still doing it. And that’s fine in the sense that that’s what they want to do in their life at this point. More power to them. I just know that after one crazy night, I’m in recovery mode for like a week. 

Have you ever thought back and can pinpoint that one decision that changed the way your life path was going? It’s hard to recognize the life changing ones when you make them (most of the time) until a while later when you look back and realized how you got to the place you are at now. There are friendships that have changed or careers that are not what you started with. 

When I was younger and I couldn’t always keep up with the people partying, I used to look at myself and try to figure out what was wrong with me or how come I am not cooler. I finally got to a point where I can accept some of those for what they are and I’m okay that I don’t always match up to everyone else. I still see those people around and I am okay with the place that I am in my life now even though it might look less exciting than other people’s lives. The harder part for me even now is when I know I’m on the life path working toward something without knowing what and just trusting that one day I’ll understand. Experience has taught me that I will understand someday but I can definitely feel that I’m working my way towards something somewhere. I’m in change mode again but not sure where that will lead. 

Life is an interesting path. One day, I hope to be able to write it all down or do a photo journal and look proudly over what I’ve accomplished and remember all the experiences. 

Sometimes, It Is What It Is

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Have you ever noticed when you don’t have such a good day that you start to wonder what happened? Sometimes, things don’t go well or you have a bad experience or sometimes, it’s just plain boredom that will drive you crazy. 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was “You are exactly where you are supposed to be”. This statement reminds me that when I’m struggling with something that there is probably a reason for it. I can usually figure out the reason in hindsight but at the moment, in the moment, I can’t see it at all. Remembering this statement allows me hold onto the idea that at some point, I’ll understand why I’m going through what I’m going through. 

I have these friends who are amazingly strong. They have families, full time jobs, health issues, new businesses, moves, the courage to stand up for themselves, and so much more. I watch them go through struggles where it’s not clear why they have to deal with what they are dealing with. Sometimes, it’s not about dealing with the present. It’s about seeing how it shapes your future. And sometimes, that one step you took to do something or to change something will create the present for you. I see the results their actions bring and it’s amazing how their tenacity has gotten them there. 

Eventually, everything makes sense. Look for one good thing in your present. There is probably a single point that you can trace that back to. And every experience you have had along the way contributed to that good thing. So when things happen and they don’t make sense, just know that this is what it is for right now. Live this moment as today and know it has a bigger purpose. Believe that someday that you will understand the path that has taken you where you will be in the future. 

When Change Needs to Happen

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There are times like now where I literally have a hard time moving through the day because something major in my life needs to change. I’ve felt like this twice before. Once in college when I was someplace I didn’t like, studying something I didn’t enjoy. And the second time was at the end of a major relationship that I knew wasn’t going to last. 

Moving on is such a difficult decision to make. Everything you’re familiar with has to change.  Everything you’re comfortable with has to go. And you start feeling that you’re quitting on something you should accomplish. I take an unusually long time in the period of debate just to make sure I’m not making the wrong decision. Something I’ve figured out though is that change is usually for the better. Both times I have made major life decisions, I have come out better and much happier. 

These crossroads are our true tests in life. Some of us have an easier time than others believing we will come out on our feet no matter what. Some of us have a very difficult time giving up what we know for the fear that the unknown will bring us. It is scary to take risks even though we know that they might pay off. In my case, they did. Yet, I’m still terrified of making changes. I’ve seen risks others have taken pay off badly and I think this has affected my core instinct. My practical brain stays in charge even though my emotional brain is freaking out. 

You will know when you are in a negative situation that you need to get out of. The challenge is in actually taking that step. This is where you develop your strength. Knowing that the step is terrifying but taking it anyways will help us realize that we can survive anything. Even with knowing this though, it takes a lot of courage to make the change. Prolonging that change though will only make us feel worse though. 

What is the change that you know you need to make but haven’t made yet? 

 

 

How Do You Break Out of That Funk?

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Yesterday, I had a friend text me. She was going through something I have way too much experience with. There is a point where you feel like you’re alone and nothing is going right and you have no idea how to get out of it. It’s a hard feeling to break out of and it definitely takes a lot strength to do it. 

When it feels like you aren’t headed anywhere and that no one understands you, it’s important to try to remember that this is how you feel in the moment. It will pass. As someone once told me “it will get better”. Then, it’s good to distract yourself with something that will at least temporarily alleviate that feeling. A few things that work for me are reading through inspirational stories on a few websites (makesmethink.com, The Secret website), communicating with people, and some sort of exercise. Trying to picture my future,writing, and making gratitude lists also help a lot. 

Emotions often cloud our common sense. And while it’s definitely a good thing to be in touch with what you are feeling (it’s what makes us human), it does help to put things into perspective where you know that this is something temporary. I really respect those that are eternally optimistic. It must be amazing to always have hope and feel that way. I also know that I am not that person. I have the days where I can’t imagine that anything is going to get better. It’s hard because my logical brain tells me things have already gotten better for me. I just need to recognize and appreciate them. 

Yesterday, I made a wish. I wished that I could appreciate all the positive things in my life. And that’s my goal. There are things that could improve but there are so many things that are already the best they could be. I have to trust that the things that need improvement will get better because I want them to, because I work hard at appreciating everything else. 

Getting out of that funk isn’t going to happen because the world owes you something. Getting out of it is going to happen because you owe it to yourself. Enjoying life is something we should do seeing as we only have one (unless you’re Hindu and reincarnate). So try to enjoy the little things today. Try to see the good in the madness of this world. And share it with the person next to you. Sometimes, all it takes to change gears, is someone acknowledging that you’re there.